Lessons on a Snow Day

I am all cozied in my bed on a SNOW DAY here in town I live in! So great! JUST what I needed!

I have been wanting to write for a while...so here it goes!

So...after a LONG while of feeling disconnected to my Bible readings I decided to take the bull by the horns here with the start of the New Year and dive back in! I have been AMAZED. My BFF and I both got a special "Read the Bible in 1 year Bible" probably 4 years ago that I read for 2 or 3 days and then got behind and stopped reading...So I started on January 1st and have been reading every day (give or take a few weekend days and then I got caught right back up)...So...17 days of reading God's WORD. The Bread of LIFE. I can't believe how much of a difference it makes! It's broken up into sections. Usually it's 1 chapter from the OT, 1 chapter from the NT, 1 section/chapter from Psalms, 1 section/chapter from Proverbs. It takes about 15-25 minutes to read it all.

I am taking a different approach to reading Scripture too. Usually I am VERY "academic" and want to underline and re-write the entire passage in my journal and spend hours analyzing and breaking everything down. This time I am JUST reading (and underlining the good verses). Just trying to soak it in, with less rigidity and legalism. Rather than viewing my devo time as a "class" where I have to "learn" everything about that section of Scripture, I am trying to just view it as story-time with my friend Jesus. It has made a WORLD of difference. I am ACTUALLY doing it! It doesn't feel like a religious CHORE like it did most recently for me.

I haven't felt this attached and excited to my quiet time since DTS...specifically when I was in Puok, Cambodia when I was bed-ridden with a serious back injury. Scripture was ALIVE to me then...funny how that happens. I find myself being drawn back to that time in my mind, I can actually picture the scene in my head...as I was reading through the OT and the stories were like fairy tale adventures that I couldn't get enough of!

I find myself feeling like God through this season is demonstrating to me, showing me the Truth about relationships. All relationships will go through seasons of dryness. Whether they are romantic relationships, or friendships, or work relationships or family. Sometimes we just don't FEEL like putting in the effort. (I have been feeling like that ALOT lately!) But God has been reminding me that it's NOT about my feelings. Sometimes we need to "Just Do It" (another reason I love NIKE). Sometimes even when we DON'T FEEL LIKE IT we need to call our moms, or go for coffee with a friend who has been asking, or step out and make the effort with someone we have felt disconnected from for a while. We always have a choice...to let the status quo rule the day, or to step up and show some initiative and see what happens.

As I grow older I am finding myself more and more insular. More isolating...more introverted, I get my energy from being quiet, being alone, being solitary. For someone who has face to face interactions with 200 teenagers 5 days a week it has become more and more necessary! :)

For the longest time I thought I had to "do it alone." Figure things out alone...I was convinced that no one here could POSSIBLY understand me! My best friends all live hundreds and thousands of miles away, my family does not get where I am coming from on a spiritual level, I have made some amazing connections at my church but I felt like I don't really know people well enough to let myself be completely vulnerable, show all my many flaws... and when you add all those things together you get a ginormous dose of stress and anxiety.

October -December I was extremely stressed out. I had to get sleeping pills and depression meds and see if I should take time off work...

"Depression, anxiety, and panic attacks are NOT a sign of weakness, they are signs of having tried to remain strong for way too long." I was trying to DO IT ALL...by myself, without people, and without the Lord.

I had been coaching grade 9-10 girls volleyball with Dean (my friend who I stayed with on weekends in Cambodia), and while I love sports...I am NOT a volleyball coach, OR an administrative genius...the 2 jobs I was being asked to do. Once vball finished I moved directly into basketball coaching. I was SO stressed and anxious and burned out I didn't know if I would be able to coach bball. And then we got started...and it was SOOOO EASY! God REALLY REALLY showed me that when we are doing the things HE has gifted us for, and given us passion for and using the talents HE gave us...it isn't stressful or exhausting!

Vball was draining for me, because that is not MY gifting. That was NOT my assignment. I agreed to help out of a desire to help my friend, which in and of itself is not bad, but it was not MY job to do. And in fact, by me choosing to take on that task I took the spot of someone else who was supposed to be there.

I am getting so much LIFE from coaching basketball, in a way I haven't in years. There is an ebb and flow to teams from year to year, and for sure we have had our fair share of drama, but it never feels onerous for me. I never wish I didn't have to go. I am really enjoying being with the girls and coaching.

Also, I am signed up to be a Missions team leader in March going to Thailand. Leading this team is awesome and there are TONS of amazing plans and expectations.

In all of this busyness another thing I am learning is that I have to ask for what I want.

I find that I place unrealistic expectations on myself and others based on some fantasy idea I have created about how things should be. I can't expect others to know what's on my mind and in my heart without SAYING something. What I am finding is that I base decisions and feelings on assumptions that are derived from my own sense of values and priorities. I have to ask for what I want, and be okay with the fall out. For better or for worse I need to say how I REALLY feel and what I REALLY want and then deal with the responses. I won't always get what I want in life, but I have a FAR greater chance of getting what I want if I ask than if I don't!

I had lunch the other day with one of the girls from church I am newly friends with who is moving to Africa to become a missionary. She is also early 30s, single, smart, gorgeous, professional, etc...We were talking about: the geographic locations that we each have that stir our hearts, the lack of single men in the where we live that fit the criteria for us strong women of God, and also about hearing from God in our lives.

I was saying that I am not completely satisfied and happy in my life currently...but because I have not felt "called" specifically out of where I am, I stay. My friend's response to me was...if your heart is for God, and your heart is saying Cambodia or Oklahoma...then why isn't Cambodia or Oklahoma God's plan for you...

Basically she was saying: what more confirmation do you need? Your heart is desperate for either of those places...and not for this place...GO.

Hmmmm.

That's what I am chewing on these days!

Love and Other Drugs

Love is it. It's ALL about love.
Love in the form of validation, affection, affirmation, listening, sharing, hearing, seeing, being...
Love from the mind and the heart, emotive and spiritual, soul bearing...
Love has changed my life.

1 Corinthians 13
Love Is the Greatest

If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.

If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

Love is patient and kind.

Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.

It does not demand its own way.

It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.

It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever!

All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

God has blessed me with more love than can be expressed in my life. My family is incredible. They LOOOOVE me. My friends are phenomenal. They shower me with affection. My students are without compare. They keep me young, and they humble me, and they demonstrate love without hesitation daily in my life.

I love well. It's something I consider myself pretty good at. And I haven't even scratched the surface yet...

God has designed us in His image to reflect His LOVE here on earth.

When I stop and consider the kind of love that saved my life I am overwhelmed.

My heart is overwhelmed.

God loved ME so much that He placed Jesus on the cross to my MY debt. Me.

He loved ME. And He LOVES ME, OH HOW HE LOVES ME.

And His love is patient and kind, not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. His love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

That's the kind of love I need.

That's the kind of love I want to share.

In a world where the definition of love is a fleeting emotion we need a new definition.

Thankful we already have one...in Jesus.

Back To New Beginnings

Each year around this time I suffer from a case of the "phantom disease". It's taken about 6 years for me to realize it's a wee dose of anxiety! This "disease" manifests itself in predictable ways...nausea, sleeplessness, rapid heart beats...you know... BACK TO SCHOOL!

I get it EVERY break from school without fail, whether it's a long weekend, Christmas Break, Spring Break, or after Summer vacation...it's always there in the days before I go back to work.

This year feels a bit different in some way that I can't quite place my finger on.

Summer was a whirlwind: to Oklahoma to visit the fam, back to Abby to move into my first new home, off to Cambodia to visit fam there, home to author my first online course, then to Calgary and now home...just in time for school to start again.

I am going back again to the familiar and welcoming halls of MEI...but something feels strange. I am not sure if it's just that summer went by too quickly, or because I am teaching new courses, or have a new classroom neighbour, or because Wiggy won't be there. It feels lonely, and strange.

It never ceases to amaze me how God's plans are SOOO different than ours. His are ALWAYS better. I know that. I BELIEVE that. I have LIVED and EXPERIENCED that...and somehow still I can't help but wish for a behind the scenes glance at what HE has in store for this year to come. Just a peek and I would be satisfied.

HE calls us to live by faith. Believing what can't be seen. I believe.

Sometimes faith is hard. The reality of everyday life, the messiness of relationships and mistakes and broken hearts feels so much bigger and louder than God sometimes.

Trusting God is hard. The reality of fallenness, and pride, and selfishness, of corruption, and hypocrisy feels so much bigger and louder than God most of the time.

Living a life for Christ is sometimes hard. Some days it feels like I have been walking against the wind for weeks on end. The reality of atheism, polytheism, agnosticism, politics, media, and peer pressure feel so much bigger and louder than God echoing into my mind...

But the Truth is GREATER. My heart breaks sometimes when I watch our world so manipulated. Believing we need this and have to have that in order to be enough.

When I stop and reflect on the proudest moments of my life...I can honestly say that EACH and EVERY one was a result of the work of God in my life. When I take the time to be with God and hear HIS plans life is ALWAYS better.

That is my prayer and plan for this coming year...

That I would become less and HE would become GREATER. That my life would be marked by moments that take my breath away because I have submitted to HIS incredible and glorious plan.

God is good ALL the TIME.

HE has placed me here "for such a time as this" and I am looking forward to turning a new page each day expectantly waiting for the twist in the story HE is writing of my life! BRING on the ADVENTURE!

Off to bed...BIG day tomorrow!

Women Who Inspire

Here is the link to a new BLOG that was started by some amazing friends of mine:

www.confessionsofa29yearoldvirgin.blogspot.com

It's about HOPE, LOVE, PURITY, and BEAUTY...and living a life of FULLNESS!

I love these girls! Be INSPIRED as I am!

A

Merry Go Round

As I sit here in my snazzy guest bedroom thousands of miles from home, in Yukon, Oklahoma, I am struck by the circular arrangement of my life lately...

Many MANY changes are on the horizon...many unknowns but somehow the familiar motion of the "go round" allows me a place to feel safe and secure for now.

I am in Oklahoma. My home away from home away from home.

My best friend lives here. My precious babes are here. My big brother from another mother. My family is here. When I am with them everything seems like no time has passed. Time stops. Jaida and Jeremy are ever growing, but their love and interest in me never fail. They love their "Annie". The arrival of babe #3 feels like a natural progression to our little family. Joby is perfection in a bundle. The affections of my heart are so organically drawn out of me towards these kids. No where else in my life has love ever felt so pure.

When I am in OKC I feel like me. I know who I am. I know what is expected of me and everything fits right, like an old pair of jeans or that favorite t-shirt from 1999...soft and snuggly, it just works.

This go round down south hails but one year since my last 2 week trip. 1 year. Since I left OKC I made my way back to Canada, taught at an ESL summer school, made it back to MEI for September where I was able to once again teach and love on high schoolers.

This past year of teaching was not an easy one. The first semester back was the most challenging of my teaching career. Fitting back into the box I was so sure I had broken out of felt forced and frustrating and confining. Teaching for the first time, with no best friend next door, no best friend down the street...took its toll on me. Emotionally I was a mess. Not to mention the added confusion of feeling like part of my heart is still in Cambodia and not knowing what to make of it all...

Then came a new semester, new classes, a new year...and new LIFE. This past semester was the BEST of my teaching career. Growing in FREEDOM and confidence again I was able to have more honest conversations and share life with my MEI family more than ever before.

In the midst of the madness of the past year I have made some new decisions. I bought an apartment, I am moving in July 23rd! I am staying at MEI...until God shows me what comes next. All my life I have been running from one thing to the next, always looking for and hoping to find the "next best thing" that will allow me to feel satisfied and secure. My security and true satisfaction can only come from One source. I am going to Cambodia for 2 weeks in July/August to visit my family there and refresh the part of my heart that will forever remain linked to that beautiful place.

I will continue on this merry go round to places my heart is most fully alive...in each spot I go...SA, Abby, OKC, Cambo...pieces of my heart have been planted and taken root. Which makes it hard sometimes to know where I am most firmly grounded. And so I go around, watering and feeding those pieces until my heart will one day hear the great whispered STAY...

With GREAT expectancy I wait for AMAZING adventures to come...for dreams to be fulfilled and life in ABUNDANCE to SHINE.

Thank you for all of you who have been riding along with me on this journey. My heart is FULL and anxious to continue our trek...

Until next time.

Cambodia to India 2010

Click here to view this photo book larger

The Battle for Peace

जेसुस इस लोर्ड
February 4, 2010...this is where I was...this is what I was seeing and experiencing in Bhuttabari and Siliguri in the province of West Bengal, Northern India.

Cows (there are MANY compared to Cambodia!), Youtry, Rickshaws, Bicycles, and "Autos"...











I can't believe it's been a year since I was walking through India smelling, seeing, living this life. I have been back in North America for 10 months now. I was gone for 7 months. The experiences I had overseas have changed me. Being here is still so much more difficult than being away. I expected to be relieved to be home, back to comforts and predictability, modern conveniences, friends and family, but my heart and spirit are battling for peace here.
Daily I go through the routine of my life largely on my own strength and carrying burdens that are not my own. I struggle to maintain control over every aspect of my life, pulling things close and tight. Somewhere in transition I stopped Trusting that God is in control. I stopped Surrendering my desires, struggles, plans to the One who knows all. I gave up the Perfect Peace He had displayed to my time and time again while I was away, and instead I have taken up Worry and Fear, Anxiety and Stress. I have replaced Joy with sadness. It's like somehow ALL that I learned along the way was lost...
And what makes everything more frustrating is that I KNOW. I can rationally look at what is happening in my life and how my Spirit is crying out for the FREEDOM I have experienced in the past...but it feels like it is just out of my reach.
God is SO SO good to me. He pulls me back in, over and over and over and OVER again. He reminds me of His love, ever so gently. He never leaves, and just waits patiently for me to come back and remember that I can't do this life my way, it just doesn't work.
And so once again today...I want to commit my life to HIS way. I want to SURRENDER ALL that I am to Him. I want to proclaim that I TRUST HIM. I acknowledge that His ways are SO MUCH HIGHER than my ways. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is FREEDOM, and He lives inside of me, I will claim my freedom. I give up fear. I give up worry. I give up anxiety. I give up control. My ways don't work. I want His plans. I want His guidance. I want His JOY and PEACE.
I want His LOVE. I was made for LOVE. I was born for LOVE. I choose LOVE.
I pray that all that I am and all that I do would be for the glory of the LORD. It's not about me. It's ALL about You Lord.

विथ लव,
अंगे