Affirmation and Acceptance

Hello To My Lovely Friends! (Especially you Wigs!)

I JUST landed back in Phnom Penh, Cambodia this afternoon after 6 weeks of traveling through Northeast India on "Outreach". I am home sweet home with my adopted family the Weiss's here for the weekend, to process and reflect and refresh before my FINAL WEEK OF DTS!

I can't believe that I left my mom and dad and auntie at the Vancouver airport 26 weeks ago today! (182 days for you number lovers)

This time here in Cambodia and India has been cathartic to say the least! A time of purging and purifying, cleansing and restoring. I have learned SO much about myself. WOW. You think you know a person! ;) Living in community is a humbling and challenging experience. I have been on a team of 9 people day and night for the past 11 weeks. As I sit here writing this posting it is the first time I have spent a night in a room alone for almost 15 weeks!

I am learning that although my natural personality is extroverted, without downtime, quiet and refreshment I am not so outgoing. I find my energy in the solitude moments and reflect that energy outward. I am both introverted and extroverted.

I am learning that I have changed ALOT in the last 5 years with regards to how I handle my emotions and face challenges, and while I am FAR FAR from perfect I am moving towards improvement in many ways. Patience and humility are hard work, but ever so slowly I am growing in these areas.

I am learning that in the most testing moments of life God really reveals the people He placed in our loves to love us with HIS love, the people who soften our hearts and bring healing with their smiles, hugs, and words. This is every so precious to me.

I am learning that as much as I LOVE my family and my friends I CAN be independent. I have been "on my own" away from my world for 6 months...and I am STILL alive!!! All I need is Jesus...and I ALWAYS need more of Him, I can never get enough and He fills the spaces that no person or thing ever can. HE brings satisfaction that cannot be found when I seek after the world.

I am learning that I have an almost debilitating fear of man. My search for affirmation and acceptance is never-ending but futile. There will never be enough words or cards or emails or letters to fill the immense craving in my heart to be loved unconditionally and just the way I am. Only looking at HIM can I really TRULY come to realize and understand that I AM already LOVED, just the way I am. I don't have to be skinnier. I don't have to be blonder. I don't have to play the guitar. I don't have to wait for the love of a man. I have ALREADY been chosen.

I am learning that sometimes I forget that. Actually I forget that alot. More than I can afford to. When I forget that I am ALREADY chosen and LOVED unconditionally by God I look for that love and acceptance in my friends, in my family, and in the world...and it's never enough to satisfy.

I am learning to grasp just how loved I really am by my family and friends. I have THE BEST life. I have a family that would do ANYTHING for me. My parents love is more than ANY person could ever ask for. They support me and encourage me and love me endlessly. My brother is second to none. He would reach out and steal a star from the sky to make me smile. He loves me in his own sweet strong and silent way that reverberates in my being. He loves me with his actions more than his words which are few, but his love for me is boundless. My Auntie loves me as she would her own daughter. She loves me in extravagant ways. She loves me with time and treats and talks and trips to coffeeshops.

My girls are like NO OTHER. I have NO IDEA how on earth God chose me to be BLESSED with the kinds of strong, powerful, prayerful, loving, supportive friends that HE has...

Cass, Christel, Alison, Leena, Sam, Serenity, Stacy, Jen, Mary, Sheena, Randi, Lisa, Kelly, Randi, Whites, Whit, Nattie, Trautski, James, Sandra, Rachel, Kelly, VDub, Doom, Emily, Neeks, Nades, Heids...these are the girls in my life who are ALWAYS ready to love on me and lift me up and lighten my load by helping me carry my burdens.

I am learning that as deeply and greatly loved I am there is a burning within me that simply can never be satisfied by human love. Never. I want more.

I am learning what it means to "lay down my rights". My life is not my own. It was bought at a price. A VERY HIGH price and I DO NOT get to decide what it should look like. All I can do is respond in loving obedience. Follow where I am being led and TRUST.

I am learning that TRUSTING God is extremely difficult to do when you are trying to control everything in your life on your own. Each time I try to do things my own way I am really saying that God doesn't know as much as I do and HE really needs me to step in and take the reins! I am saying that I can't trust Him with my life and I need to take care of things on my own, my own way.

And I am learning that each time I try to do things my own way I fail. Without a doubt, my efforts fall short, or flat. They miss the mark.

I am learning the difference between my own desires and the ones given specifically to me for a purpose larger than my own satisfaction.

I am learning that at 29 years the idea of a man and a family really is something I care about, maybe in the most sincere form for the first time.

I am learning that I am not an optimist, but I wish I was because the optimists in my life so often save me from myself!

I am learning to be. I am learning that doing is not the equivalent of worth. Who I am is enough, not what I do. And in learning this lesson I am learning that my life as I once knew it can never be the same.

I am learning the the expectations of other people, and even of myself cannot be the driving force in my life if I am going to be living the life that is meant for me.

I am learning to be honest in a way that offers grace and patience rather than judgement and condemnation...this one is a slow process for sure.

I am learning that my life is ruined for the ordinary. I am wrecked. I have known this for a while but never been brave enough to live it out, and my dream is to live it more and more each day.

I am learning that it is perfectly fine not to like everyone, but we do have to show respect and love to all. We are all different people, with different personalities, and we won't all be best friends. That is okay...but we ARE one family in humanity.

I am learning that whatever God has planted in my heart about Cambodia is not something that can be finished in 6 months. He has more for me here. I am not sure what that will look like for my future but I know my heart is tied to this place in a way that is beyond what I am comprehend right now.

I am learning that the life I really want is a life unashamed and unabashedly sold out for Jesus. A life that draws people in rather than pushes them away, which is something I have experienced too many times since I came to know God. A life that is so different from the ordinary that people won't even see me at all, they will have to know it's HIM.

I have battled with trying to please everyone in my life for a long time. I want EVERYONE to be proud of me and love me and accept me and affirm my life and my plans. And living in that way not only exhausted me, but stole my happiness and pursuit of something more than myself.

I am learning that spending 7 years of my life and heart investing into a relationship where everyday I was put in second place has left a scar on my heart that I have been trying to heal with people and friends and family and good works.

I am learning that those wounds will take a long time to heal, and there is nothing I can DO and no one I can seek to heal me...only God can repair that brokenness.

I am special because God made me. There is NO other Ange Booy in all the world. I am the only one. I am the only person on the entire planet that looks like me, sounds like me, has my exact set of skills, giftings and talents, and personality, or has had the life experiences that I have had. Only me. And that makes me unique. That makes me special. And while the world want to remind me of all the things I am not...I cling tightly to the Truth about who I AM. I AM SPECIAL. I AM CHOSEN. I AM LOVED.

Sometimes I forget that Truth. Sometimes the voice of the world reminding me of what I am lacking and how I fall short is so much louder than my memory of the Truth. So I have to choose to hold tightly once again. And again. And again. And again...

As I process and wrap up what God has been teaching me and showing me and revealing about me in these past 6 months I pray that this catharsis would leave me closer and more prepared to be the person I am meant to be. I guess only time will tell...