Unabashedly Me.

You provide the fire. And I'll provide the sacrifice.

You provide the Spirit. And I will open up inside.

Fill me up God.

One year ago I left for a land far away, with a hockey bag of goods and a heart FULL of expectation and anticipation.

A year later I am back where I left off...but I am not the same.

Where once there was fear, insecurity, and anxiety there is now courage, confidence, and peace...well, almost.

2 weeks ago I started back teaching full time. Not much has changed around the safe and comfortable walls of MEI. I am in the same classroom, teaching courses I know (with an exception or two), and seeing the smiles of students I have known for years. But it feels different.

I am not comfortable here anymore. Life on the "treadmill" of timelines and achievement is no longer satisfying. I want more.

More rest, more peace, more love, more acceptance, more Jesus.

I want to RUN. Run back to the comfort of my life with Him, so focused and directed on His plans and ways and goodness. Run away from the urge to control and determine my own way. Run to where my heart feels safe to unapologetically LOVE JESUS. Run to Cambodia.

I think I left my heart there. At least a piece of it.

Another part of my heart is safely sleeping in Oklahoma.

I want to RUN. Run back to the love and assurance of a sister who has loved me more completely than anyone ever has. Run towards the love of a brother who appreciates me for who I am, with sensitivity and honesty. Run to the hugs and love of my babies who make their Annie feel like the most loved most important person on the planet. Run to OKC.

I am here, in Abbotsford, but I want to run. I won't...at least not yet.

In the gaps of life, when you have just completed the last thing you knew you were supposed to do, but before you know where to go next things can seem messy.

I know I am supposed to be here, now, for this time. I know because I haven't been told to be anywhere else, doing anything different. So why does it feel so hard?

Sometimes I wonder if I am simply a fatalist who can never be happy or content. Do I always look for something to be wrong? Am I predisposed to flee? What am I scared of?

Emotionally I have been evolving into a person who is beginning to realize that I don't need other people to validate me. I don't need approval or appreciation or acceptance. Of course I would always PREFER to have those things, but I am no longer a slave chained to the monster of public opinion. It is a work in process. So in shedding the need for people to "like" me, why don't I feel more FREE.

FREEDOM. That's what I REALLY want. FREEDOM from my past. FREEDOM from my baggage...I have been carrying it around for a LONG time...and it's weighing on me.

As I even sit here writing I begin to wonder if FREEDOM is just another marker that I think will FINALLY allow me to feel happiness and satisfaction. That if I actually was able to attain this level of release that I think I want would I really just find, once again that it hasn't done the trick?

I love the Lord. I LOVE talking about how AWESOME He is in my life. I love sharing real life with people. I love feeling FREE to be unabashedly me.

Why don't I feel like I can be FREELY me here? Or maybe not CAN, but SHOULD. Why does it feel "bad" or "wrong" or "uncomfortable" for me to be ME?!

That pressure and feeling to keep quiet and conform makes me want to RUN.

For now I will..."Run with endurance the race marked out for [me]." Hebrews 12:1