Purpose and Pain

Last week I needed a reminder. I needed to remember WHO I WAS. In Christ, who am I? In the chaos and conflict of life, living in a fallen world full of humanness and disappointment who am I?

I looked back at the journal I was writing in the days before, and then months after, God STOLE my heart. I was blown away by the list of things I had written about who I DREAMED of being.

Here's what I wrote...

August 3, 2005:

Becoming a Christian has filled me with more confidence in myself than I have ever known. That said the baggage of my life before Christ is still circling that luggage belt carousel. I want to learn the answers to so many questions:

Am I really meant to be single-- to be an empowered woman out to change the world in whatever ways big or small that I can? Or, am I meant to have a family and settle down that way?

Am I meant to be a teacher?

Am I meant to be a coach?

A missionary?

A mom?

Please God allow me to let down my guards, my walls, free me to be transformed into a woman who lives for you, with love and joy and wisdom.

In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Reading through my words from over 5 years ago, knowing now where I have been and what has happened in my heart and in my soul in that time I was taken back.

I was AMAZED when I read how specifically I had questioned my future, and then in reflection recognizing that God has BLESSED and HONOURED those desires.

I AM a teacher. I AM a coach. I AM a missionary.

I have experienced a PHENOMENAL transformation.

I am NOT who I WAS.

I have learned SO many things along the way.

August 5, 2005:

Question: What do I need to detach myself from in order to trust God?

Answer: As we read through Psalm 37 discussing stress and worry and that it is unnecessary if we really do trust God I was a bit torn. I do believe that ultimately in the end God will always take care and provide and protect us, but that doesn't mean trying and testing times won't fill some of the gaps.

I believe that God has purposes for us that we will never fully understand, and there is great comfort in knowing that any turmoil is for a greater good, but it doesn't make pain any less painful, or stress any less stressful.

The past few days there has been a lot of talk about transforming the heart, letting go of your old self, adopting your new identity in Christ, finding your new name, letting go of attachments, comforts, etc. in order to give it all up to God.

I feel like May 2005 was when I began that process. I gave up life as I knew it, the old faithfuls, and put my life out there for God to have. This has changed my whole life.

I believe we can only hear God when we are sincerely ready to accept what He has to say; when His Will no longer seems like a sacrifice, but instead is simply the only option for our lives.

Hmmm....

For a 24 year old babe I was not too far off.

Pain is painful.

Stress is stressful.

God has a greater purpose for ALL we go through that what we can ever understand.

Living in obedience to God's call on our lives does NOT feel like a sacrifice, it feels like the ONLY option!

We can only HEAR Him, when WE are ready to accept what He has to say.

I can't HEAR Him.

I am in a strange place. I am in the gap. My life feels like it's full of conflict and turmoil and stress and pain right now. I CAN'T HEAR HIM. I KNOW He is doing a work in me. He IS preparing me for whatever comes next. I can TRUST that He is using the difficult and trying parts of my life here right now to build my character and get me ready for what's next. But pain is still painful, and my heart still breaks.

In the gaps I lose the courage to BELIEVE. I stop DREAMING. I find myself SO afraid of disappointment and rejection, of conflict and pain that I am immobilized.

I still want answers to MANY questions. I still have baggage circling the carousel. But I want that CONFIDENCE BACK!

I want to get back to that prayer from so many days ago:

"Please God allow me to let down my guards, my walls, FREE ME to be TRANSFORMED into a woman who LIVES FOR YOU, WITH LOVE and JOY and WISDOM.

In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Random quotes from my calendar:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

You ask yourself, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

Love beyond measure to all of you who bless my heart.