Lessons on a Snow Day

I am all cozied in my bed on a SNOW DAY here in town I live in! So great! JUST what I needed!

I have been wanting to write for a while...so here it goes!

So...after a LONG while of feeling disconnected to my Bible readings I decided to take the bull by the horns here with the start of the New Year and dive back in! I have been AMAZED. My BFF and I both got a special "Read the Bible in 1 year Bible" probably 4 years ago that I read for 2 or 3 days and then got behind and stopped reading...So I started on January 1st and have been reading every day (give or take a few weekend days and then I got caught right back up)...So...17 days of reading God's WORD. The Bread of LIFE. I can't believe how much of a difference it makes! It's broken up into sections. Usually it's 1 chapter from the OT, 1 chapter from the NT, 1 section/chapter from Psalms, 1 section/chapter from Proverbs. It takes about 15-25 minutes to read it all.

I am taking a different approach to reading Scripture too. Usually I am VERY "academic" and want to underline and re-write the entire passage in my journal and spend hours analyzing and breaking everything down. This time I am JUST reading (and underlining the good verses). Just trying to soak it in, with less rigidity and legalism. Rather than viewing my devo time as a "class" where I have to "learn" everything about that section of Scripture, I am trying to just view it as story-time with my friend Jesus. It has made a WORLD of difference. I am ACTUALLY doing it! It doesn't feel like a religious CHORE like it did most recently for me.

I haven't felt this attached and excited to my quiet time since DTS...specifically when I was in Puok, Cambodia when I was bed-ridden with a serious back injury. Scripture was ALIVE to me then...funny how that happens. I find myself being drawn back to that time in my mind, I can actually picture the scene in my head...as I was reading through the OT and the stories were like fairy tale adventures that I couldn't get enough of!

I find myself feeling like God through this season is demonstrating to me, showing me the Truth about relationships. All relationships will go through seasons of dryness. Whether they are romantic relationships, or friendships, or work relationships or family. Sometimes we just don't FEEL like putting in the effort. (I have been feeling like that ALOT lately!) But God has been reminding me that it's NOT about my feelings. Sometimes we need to "Just Do It" (another reason I love NIKE). Sometimes even when we DON'T FEEL LIKE IT we need to call our moms, or go for coffee with a friend who has been asking, or step out and make the effort with someone we have felt disconnected from for a while. We always have a choice...to let the status quo rule the day, or to step up and show some initiative and see what happens.

As I grow older I am finding myself more and more insular. More isolating...more introverted, I get my energy from being quiet, being alone, being solitary. For someone who has face to face interactions with 200 teenagers 5 days a week it has become more and more necessary! :)

For the longest time I thought I had to "do it alone." Figure things out alone...I was convinced that no one here could POSSIBLY understand me! My best friends all live hundreds and thousands of miles away, my family does not get where I am coming from on a spiritual level, I have made some amazing connections at my church but I felt like I don't really know people well enough to let myself be completely vulnerable, show all my many flaws... and when you add all those things together you get a ginormous dose of stress and anxiety.

October -December I was extremely stressed out. I had to get sleeping pills and depression meds and see if I should take time off work...

"Depression, anxiety, and panic attacks are NOT a sign of weakness, they are signs of having tried to remain strong for way too long." I was trying to DO IT ALL...by myself, without people, and without the Lord.

I had been coaching grade 9-10 girls volleyball with Dean (my friend who I stayed with on weekends in Cambodia), and while I love sports...I am NOT a volleyball coach, OR an administrative genius...the 2 jobs I was being asked to do. Once vball finished I moved directly into basketball coaching. I was SO stressed and anxious and burned out I didn't know if I would be able to coach bball. And then we got started...and it was SOOOO EASY! God REALLY REALLY showed me that when we are doing the things HE has gifted us for, and given us passion for and using the talents HE gave us...it isn't stressful or exhausting!

Vball was draining for me, because that is not MY gifting. That was NOT my assignment. I agreed to help out of a desire to help my friend, which in and of itself is not bad, but it was not MY job to do. And in fact, by me choosing to take on that task I took the spot of someone else who was supposed to be there.

I am getting so much LIFE from coaching basketball, in a way I haven't in years. There is an ebb and flow to teams from year to year, and for sure we have had our fair share of drama, but it never feels onerous for me. I never wish I didn't have to go. I am really enjoying being with the girls and coaching.

Also, I am signed up to be a Missions team leader in March going to Thailand. Leading this team is awesome and there are TONS of amazing plans and expectations.

In all of this busyness another thing I am learning is that I have to ask for what I want.

I find that I place unrealistic expectations on myself and others based on some fantasy idea I have created about how things should be. I can't expect others to know what's on my mind and in my heart without SAYING something. What I am finding is that I base decisions and feelings on assumptions that are derived from my own sense of values and priorities. I have to ask for what I want, and be okay with the fall out. For better or for worse I need to say how I REALLY feel and what I REALLY want and then deal with the responses. I won't always get what I want in life, but I have a FAR greater chance of getting what I want if I ask than if I don't!

I had lunch the other day with one of the girls from church I am newly friends with who is moving to Africa to become a missionary. She is also early 30s, single, smart, gorgeous, professional, etc...We were talking about: the geographic locations that we each have that stir our hearts, the lack of single men in the where we live that fit the criteria for us strong women of God, and also about hearing from God in our lives.

I was saying that I am not completely satisfied and happy in my life currently...but because I have not felt "called" specifically out of where I am, I stay. My friend's response to me was...if your heart is for God, and your heart is saying Cambodia or Oklahoma...then why isn't Cambodia or Oklahoma God's plan for you...

Basically she was saying: what more confirmation do you need? Your heart is desperate for either of those places...and not for this place...GO.

Hmmmm.

That's what I am chewing on these days!