Adventures with Booy

Lessons on a Snow Day

2012-01-17T15:18:00.000-08:00

I am all cozied in my bed on a SNOW DAY here in town I live in! So great! JUST what I needed!

I have been wanting to write for a while...so here it goes!

So...after a LONG while of feeling disconnected to my Bible readings I decided to take the bull by the horns here with the start of the New Year and dive back in! I have been AMAZED. My BFF and I both got a special "Read the Bible in 1 year Bible" probably 4 years ago that I read for 2 or 3 days and then got behind and stopped reading...So I started on January 1st and have been reading every day (give or take a few weekend days and then I got caught right back up)...So...17 days of reading God's WORD. The Bread of LIFE. I can't believe how much of a difference it makes! It's broken up into sections. Usually it's 1 chapter from the OT, 1 chapter from the NT, 1 section/chapter from Psalms, 1 section/chapter from Proverbs. It takes about 15-25 minutes to read it all.

I am taking a different approach to reading Scripture too. Usually I am VERY "academic" and want to underline and re-write the entire passage in my journal and spend hours analyzing and breaking everything down. This time I am JUST reading (and underlining the good verses). Just trying to soak it in, with less rigidity and legalism. Rather than viewing my devo time as a "class" where I have to "learn" everything about that section of Scripture, I am trying to just view it as story-time with my friend Jesus. It has made a WORLD of difference. I am ACTUALLY doing it! It doesn't feel like a religious CHORE like it did most recently for me.

I haven't felt this attached and excited to my quiet time since DTS...specifically when I was in Puok, Cambodia when I was bed-ridden with a serious back injury. Scripture was ALIVE to me then...funny how that happens. I find myself being drawn back to that time in my mind, I can actually picture the scene in my head...as I was reading through the OT and the stories were like fairy tale adventures that I couldn't get enough of!

I find myself feeling like God through this season is demonstrating to me, showing me the Truth about relationships. All relationships will go through seasons of dryness. Whether they are romantic relationships, or friendships, or work relationships or family. Sometimes we just don't FEEL like putting in the effort. (I have been feeling like that ALOT lately!) But God has been reminding me that it's NOT about my feelings. Sometimes we need to "Just Do It" (another reason I love NIKE). Sometimes even when we DON'T FEEL LIKE IT we need to call our moms, or go for coffee with a friend who has been asking, or step out and make the effort with someone we have felt disconnected from for a while. We always have a choice...to let the status quo rule the day, or to step up and show some initiative and see what happens.

As I grow older I am finding myself more and more insular. More isolating...more introverted, I get my energy from being quiet, being alone, being solitary. For someone who has face to face interactions with 200 teenagers 5 days a week it has become more and more necessary! :)

For the longest time I thought I had to "do it alone." Figure things out alone...I was convinced that no one here could POSSIBLY understand me! My best friends all live hundreds and thousands of miles away, my family does not get where I am coming from on a spiritual level, I have made some amazing connections at my church but I felt like I don't really know people well enough to let myself be completely vulnerable, show all my many flaws... and when you add all those things together you get a ginormous dose of stress and anxiety.

October -December I was extremely stressed out. I had to get sleeping pills and depression meds and see if I should take time off work...

"Depression, anxiety, and panic attacks are NOT a sign of weakness, they are signs of having tried to remain strong for way too long." I was trying to DO IT ALL...by myself, without people, and without the Lord.

I had been coaching grade 9-10 girls volleyball with Dean (my friend who I stayed with on weekends in Cambodia), and while I love sports...I am NOT a volleyball coach, OR an administrative genius...the 2 jobs I was being asked to do. Once vball finished I moved directly into basketball coaching. I was SO stressed and anxious and burned out I didn't know if I would be able to coach bball. And then we got started...and it was SOOOO EASY! God REALLY REALLY showed me that when we are doing the things HE has gifted us for, and given us passion for and using the talents HE gave us...it isn't stressful or exhausting!

Vball was draining for me, because that is not MY gifting. That was NOT my assignment. I agreed to help out of a desire to help my friend, which in and of itself is not bad, but it was not MY job to do. And in fact, by me choosing to take on that task I took the spot of someone else who was supposed to be there.

I am getting so much LIFE from coaching basketball, in a way I haven't in years. There is an ebb and flow to teams from year to year, and for sure we have had our fair share of drama, but it never feels onerous for me. I never wish I didn't have to go. I am really enjoying being with the girls and coaching.

Also, I am signed up to be a Missions team leader in March going to Thailand. Leading this team is awesome and there are TONS of amazing plans and expectations.

In all of this busyness another thing I am learning is that I have to ask for what I want.

I find that I place unrealistic expectations on myself and others based on some fantasy idea I have created about how things should be. I can't expect others to know what's on my mind and in my heart without SAYING something. What I am finding is that I base decisions and feelings on assumptions that are derived from my own sense of values and priorities. I have to ask for what I want, and be okay with the fall out. For better or for worse I need to say how I REALLY feel and what I REALLY want and then deal with the responses. I won't always get what I want in life, but I have a FAR greater chance of getting what I want if I ask than if I don't!

I had lunch the other day with one of the girls from church I am newly friends with who is moving to Africa to become a missionary. She is also early 30s, single, smart, gorgeous, professional, etc...We were talking about: the geographic locations that we each have that stir our hearts, the lack of single men in the where we live that fit the criteria for us strong women of God, and also about hearing from God in our lives.

I was saying that I am not completely satisfied and happy in my life currently...but because I have not felt "called" specifically out of where I am, I stay. My friend's response to me was...if your heart is for God, and your heart is saying Cambodia or Oklahoma...then why isn't Cambodia or Oklahoma God's plan for you...

Basically she was saying: what more confirmation do you need? Your heart is desperate for either of those places...and not for this place...GO.

Hmmmm.

That's what I am chewing on these days!

Love and Other Drugs

2011-10-12T23:26:00.000-07:00

Love is it. It's ALL about love.
Love in the form of validation, affection, affirmation, listening, sharing, hearing, seeing, being...
Love from the mind and the heart, emotive and spiritual, soul bearing...
Love has changed my life.

1 Corinthians 13
Love Is the Greatest

If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.

If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

Love is patient and kind.

Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.

It does not demand its own way.

It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.

It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever!

All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

God has blessed me with more love than can be expressed in my life. My family is incredible. They LOOOOVE me. My friends are phenomenal. They shower me with affection. My students are without compare. They keep me young, and they humble me, and they demonstrate love without hesitation daily in my life.

I love well. It's something I consider myself pretty good at. And I haven't even scratched the surface yet...

God has designed us in His image to reflect His LOVE here on earth.

When I stop and consider the kind of love that saved my life I am overwhelmed.

My heart is overwhelmed.

God loved ME so much that He placed Jesus on the cross to my MY debt. Me.

He loved ME. And He LOVES ME, OH HOW HE LOVES ME.

And His love is patient and kind, not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. His love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

That's the kind of love I need.

That's the kind of love I want to share.

In a world where the definition of love is a fleeting emotion we need a new definition.

Thankful we already have one...in Jesus.

Back To New Beginnings

2011-09-05T21:50:00.000-07:00

Each year around this time I suffer from a case of the "phantom disease". It's taken about 6 years for me to realize it's a wee dose of anxiety! This "disease" manifests itself in predictable ways...nausea, sleeplessness, rapid heart beats...you know... BACK TO SCHOOL!

I get it EVERY break from school without fail, whether it's a long weekend, Christmas Break, Spring Break, or after Summer vacation...it's always there in the days before I go back to work.

This year feels a bit different in some way that I can't quite place my finger on.

Summer was a whirlwind: to Oklahoma to visit the fam, back to Abby to move into my first new home, off to Cambodia to visit fam there, home to author my first online course, then to Calgary and now home...just in time for school to start again.

I am going back again to the familiar and welcoming halls of MEI...but something feels strange. I am not sure if it's just that summer went by too quickly, or because I am teaching new courses, or have a new classroom neighbour, or because Wiggy won't be there. It feels lonely, and strange.

It never ceases to amaze me how God's plans are SOOO different than ours. His are ALWAYS better. I know that. I BELIEVE that. I have LIVED and EXPERIENCED that...and somehow still I can't help but wish for a behind the scenes glance at what HE has in store for this year to come. Just a peek and I would be satisfied.

HE calls us to live by faith. Believing what can't be seen. I believe.

Sometimes faith is hard. The reality of everyday life, the messiness of relationships and mistakes and broken hearts feels so much bigger and louder than God sometimes.

Trusting God is hard. The reality of fallenness, and pride, and selfishness, of corruption, and hypocrisy feels so much bigger and louder than God most of the time.

Living a life for Christ is sometimes hard. Some days it feels like I have been walking against the wind for weeks on end. The reality of atheism, polytheism, agnosticism, politics, media, and peer pressure feel so much bigger and louder than God echoing into my mind...

But the Truth is GREATER. My heart breaks sometimes when I watch our world so manipulated. Believing we need this and have to have that in order to be enough.

When I stop and reflect on the proudest moments of my life...I can honestly say that EACH and EVERY one was a result of the work of God in my life. When I take the time to be with God and hear HIS plans life is ALWAYS better.

That is my prayer and plan for this coming year...

That I would become less and HE would become GREATER. That my life would be marked by moments that take my breath away because I have submitted to HIS incredible and glorious plan.

God is good ALL the TIME.

HE has placed me here "for such a time as this" and I am looking forward to turning a new page each day expectantly waiting for the twist in the story HE is writing of my life! BRING on the ADVENTURE!

Off to bed...BIG day tomorrow!

Women Who Inspire

2011-08-24T13:16:00.000-07:00

Here is the link to a new BLOG that was started by some amazing friends of mine:

www.confessionsofa29yearoldvirgin.blogspot.com

It's about HOPE, LOVE, PURITY, and BEAUTY...and living a life of FULLNESS!

I love these girls! Be INSPIRED as I am!

A

Merry Go Round

2011-07-12T20:07:00.000-07:00

As I sit here in my snazzy guest bedroom thousands of miles from home, in Yukon, Oklahoma, I am struck by the circular arrangement of my life lately...

Many MANY changes are on the horizon...many unknowns but somehow the familiar motion of the "go round" allows me a place to feel safe and secure for now.

I am in Oklahoma. My home away from home away from home.

My best friend lives here. My precious babes are here. My big brother from another mother. My family is here. When I am with them everything seems like no time has passed. Time stops. Jaida and Jeremy are ever growing, but their love and interest in me never fail. They love their "Annie". The arrival of babe #3 feels like a natural progression to our little family. Joby is perfection in a bundle. The affections of my heart are so organically drawn out of me towards these kids. No where else in my life has love ever felt so pure.

When I am in OKC I feel like me. I know who I am. I know what is expected of me and everything fits right, like an old pair of jeans or that favorite t-shirt from 1999...soft and snuggly, it just works.

This go round down south hails but one year since my last 2 week trip. 1 year. Since I left OKC I made my way back to Canada, taught at an ESL summer school, made it back to MEI for September where I was able to once again teach and love on high schoolers.

This past year of teaching was not an easy one. The first semester back was the most challenging of my teaching career. Fitting back into the box I was so sure I had broken out of felt forced and frustrating and confining. Teaching for the first time, with no best friend next door, no best friend down the street...took its toll on me. Emotionally I was a mess. Not to mention the added confusion of feeling like part of my heart is still in Cambodia and not knowing what to make of it all...

Then came a new semester, new classes, a new year...and new LIFE. This past semester was the BEST of my teaching career. Growing in FREEDOM and confidence again I was able to have more honest conversations and share life with my MEI family more than ever before.

In the midst of the madness of the past year I have made some new decisions. I bought an apartment, I am moving in July 23rd! I am staying at MEI...until God shows me what comes next. All my life I have been running from one thing to the next, always looking for and hoping to find the "next best thing" that will allow me to feel satisfied and secure. My security and true satisfaction can only come from One source. I am going to Cambodia for 2 weeks in July/August to visit my family there and refresh the part of my heart that will forever remain linked to that beautiful place.

I will continue on this merry go round to places my heart is most fully alive...in each spot I go...SA, Abby, OKC, Cambo...pieces of my heart have been planted and taken root. Which makes it hard sometimes to know where I am most firmly grounded. And so I go around, watering and feeding those pieces until my heart will one day hear the great whispered STAY...

With GREAT expectancy I wait for AMAZING adventures to come...for dreams to be fulfilled and life in ABUNDANCE to SHINE.

Thank you for all of you who have been riding along with me on this journey. My heart is FULL and anxious to continue our trek...

Until next time.

Cambodia to India 2010

2011-05-31T19:25:00.001-07:00

Click here to view this photo book larger

The Battle for Peace

2011-02-04T10:16:00.000-08:00

जेसुस इस लोर्ड
February 4, 2010...this is where I was...this is what I was seeing and experiencing in Bhuttabari and Siliguri in the province of West Bengal, Northern India.

Cows (there are MANY compared to Cambodia!), Youtry, Rickshaws, Bicycles, and "Autos"...

I can't believe it's been a year since I was walking through India smelling, seeing, living this life. I have been back in North America for 10 months now. I was gone for 7 months. The experiences I had overseas have changed me. Being here is still so much more difficult than being away. I expected to be relieved to be home, back to comforts and predictability, modern conveniences, friends and family, but my heart and spirit are battling for peace here.
Daily I go through the routine of my life largely on my own strength and carrying burdens that are not my own. I struggle to maintain control over every aspect of my life, pulling things close and tight. Somewhere in transition I stopped Trusting that God is in control. I stopped Surrendering my desires, struggles, plans to the One who knows all. I gave up the Perfect Peace He had displayed to my time and time again while I was away, and instead I have taken up Worry and Fear, Anxiety and Stress. I have replaced Joy with sadness. It's like somehow ALL that I learned along the way was lost...
And what makes everything more frustrating is that I KNOW. I can rationally look at what is happening in my life and how my Spirit is crying out for the FREEDOM I have experienced in the past...but it feels like it is just out of my reach.
God is SO SO good to me. He pulls me back in, over and over and over and OVER again. He reminds me of His love, ever so gently. He never leaves, and just waits patiently for me to come back and remember that I can't do this life my way, it just doesn't work.
And so once again today...I want to commit my life to HIS way. I want to SURRENDER ALL that I am to Him. I want to proclaim that I TRUST HIM. I acknowledge that His ways are SO MUCH HIGHER than my ways. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is FREEDOM, and He lives inside of me, I will claim my freedom. I give up fear. I give up worry. I give up anxiety. I give up control. My ways don't work. I want His plans. I want His guidance. I want His JOY and PEACE.
I want His LOVE. I was made for LOVE. I was born for LOVE. I choose LOVE.
I pray that all that I am and all that I do would be for the glory of the LORD. It's not about me. It's ALL about You Lord.

विथ लव,
अंगे

5 Years 6 Months 7 Days

2010-11-13T22:05:00.000-08:00

This is me...then (May 2005) and now...(Nov 2010)

May 8, 2005 my heart and life changed forever.

For those of you that may have fallen witness over these past years you will know that what that really means is that I have been softened...almost into goo...

The first 24 years of my life were spent steadily building up experiences for which I needed to have an arsenal of defenses. Relationships with family, relationships with friends, relationships with boys, relationships with food, with alcohol, with achievement, with success, with the world were all experiences in which I learned that being tough, calloused, de-sensitized, and hardened were the only means to survival. I was very bitter.

The past 5 years 6 months and 7 days I have consistently on a course towards re-sensitization. God has been restoring in me all the things that had been lost, tarnished, or broken, and He continues to.

Each time I sit down to reflect on the pathways that He has been leading me I can't help but tremble in awe. My life is redemption personified, and I have done NOTHING to deserve it...He just LOVES ME that much.

Only lately have I been able to begin to accept the state of my BELOVEDNESS. I am my beloved's and His love is for ME. He LOVES me, OH how He LOVES ME.

God has been revealing to me more and more of His love for me, allowing me to see clearly the parts of myself that have been and are being healed and restored in order to make way for the desires He has placed in me to be fulfilled...that I might live in the FULLNESS of His plans for me HERE.

I am looking forward to EXPECTATION. I am living with THANKFULNESS and PEACE.

I am a BELOVED ONE.

Purpose and Pain

2010-10-25T18:28:00.000-07:00

Last week I needed a reminder. I needed to remember WHO I WAS. In Christ, who am I? In the chaos and conflict of life, living in a fallen world full of humanness and disappointment who am I?

I looked back at the journal I was writing in the days before, and then months after, God STOLE my heart. I was blown away by the list of things I had written about who I DREAMED of being.

Here's what I wrote...

August 3, 2005:

Becoming a Christian has filled me with more confidence in myself than I have ever known. That said the baggage of my life before Christ is still circling that luggage belt carousel. I want to learn the answers to so many questions:

Am I really meant to be single-- to be an empowered woman out to change the world in whatever ways big or small that I can? Or, am I meant to have a family and settle down that way?

Am I meant to be a teacher?

Am I meant to be a coach?

A missionary?

A mom?

Please God allow me to let down my guards, my walls, free me to be transformed into a woman who lives for you, with love and joy and wisdom.

In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Reading through my words from over 5 years ago, knowing now where I have been and what has happened in my heart and in my soul in that time I was taken back.

I was AMAZED when I read how specifically I had questioned my future, and then in reflection recognizing that God has BLESSED and HONOURED those desires.

I AM a teacher. I AM a coach. I AM a missionary.

I have experienced a PHENOMENAL transformation.

I am NOT who I WAS.

I have learned SO many things along the way.

August 5, 2005:

Question: What do I need to detach myself from in order to trust God?

Answer: As we read through Psalm 37 discussing stress and worry and that it is unnecessary if we really do trust God I was a bit torn. I do believe that ultimately in the end God will always take care and provide and protect us, but that doesn't mean trying and testing times won't fill some of the gaps.

I believe that God has purposes for us that we will never fully understand, and there is great comfort in knowing that any turmoil is for a greater good, but it doesn't make pain any less painful, or stress any less stressful.

The past few days there has been a lot of talk about transforming the heart, letting go of your old self, adopting your new identity in Christ, finding your new name, letting go of attachments, comforts, etc. in order to give it all up to God.

I feel like May 2005 was when I began that process. I gave up life as I knew it, the old faithfuls, and put my life out there for God to have. This has changed my whole life.

I believe we can only hear God when we are sincerely ready to accept what He has to say; when His Will no longer seems like a sacrifice, but instead is simply the only option for our lives.

Hmmm....

For a 24 year old babe I was not too far off.

Pain is painful.

Stress is stressful.

God has a greater purpose for ALL we go through that what we can ever understand.

Living in obedience to God's call on our lives does NOT feel like a sacrifice, it feels like the ONLY option!

We can only HEAR Him, when WE are ready to accept what He has to say.

I can't HEAR Him.

I am in a strange place. I am in the gap. My life feels like it's full of conflict and turmoil and stress and pain right now. I CAN'T HEAR HIM. I KNOW He is doing a work in me. He IS preparing me for whatever comes next. I can TRUST that He is using the difficult and trying parts of my life here right now to build my character and get me ready for what's next. But pain is still painful, and my heart still breaks.

In the gaps I lose the courage to BELIEVE. I stop DREAMING. I find myself SO afraid of disappointment and rejection, of conflict and pain that I am immobilized.

I still want answers to MANY questions. I still have baggage circling the carousel. But I want that CONFIDENCE BACK!

I want to get back to that prayer from so many days ago:

"Please God allow me to let down my guards, my walls, FREE ME to be TRANSFORMED into a woman who LIVES FOR YOU, WITH LOVE and JOY and WISDOM.

In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Random quotes from my calendar:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

You ask yourself, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

Love beyond measure to all of you who bless my heart.

Chosen Dreams

2010-09-27T23:03:00.001-07:00

Today I had some pretty sweet time with God. He spoke to me about dreams. More like He explained to me about dreams. That dreams begin not in our sub-conscious, not in a sleepy moment in time...but the dreams of my heart began first with Him. Every dream I have in my heart is from God. What makes this all the more amazing to me is that after conceiving the beautiful, impossible, and intangible dreams He CHOSE me to give them to.

He thinks them up. Then He decides who in ALL the world is BEST suited and MOST equipped to tackle the task of making His dreams become reality. He CHOOSES.

He CHOSE me.

Of all the scars in my life, in my heart those that have resulted in not being chosen are the ones that cut the deepest. In life I have, more times than I care to acknowledge, given every ounce of my mind, body, and soul in hopes of being chosen. And SO very many times I have fallen short of someone else's standard. Rather than being chosen I have been rejected or with a smile been given that second place ribbon.

The "good enough" of our culture and our world seems unattainable to me. I will never be "good enough". There will always be someone more beautiful, or smart, or funny, or athletic, or place adjective here...

But guess what?! GOD CHOSE ME.

And not only did He choose me to be His little girl, the apple of His eye, the sparkle in His day that makes His whole being SMILE...

But He also chose ME to be the vehicle to some of His most IMPOSSIBLY EXTRAVAGANT DREAMS.

He chose me.

Sometimes I forget.

Too often in my life I get caught up in the "not good enough" game of our world that I forget that He CHOSE me to fulfill His plans and His purposes. He believes in ME.

HE BELIEVES IN ME.

Sometimes I forget.

I am a dreamer. I think my Mom might say I am an impossible dreamer. And I take it as a compliment. When I think about DREAMING and having DREAMS there is NO part of me that will settle. My dreams are impossible...and I wouldn't have them any other way.

My dreams were given to me as a gift, for me to run with and share and create and nourish.

Sometimes I forget.

My life is not my own, and neither are my dreams. My dreams are NOT my own...And as I take that into consideration and I begin to remember that my dreams ARE God's dreams it makes the impossibility of them suddenly POSSIBLE.

[He] is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. - Ephesians 3:20

For nothing is impossible with God. - Luke 1:37

I gain a TREMENDOUS sense of HOPE and ENCOURAGEMENT when I remember that my dreams are God's dreams. He CHOSE me to give these dreams to. He BELIEVES in me. He KNOWS that I am the RIGHT person to give these dreams to in order to see them come to life.

I want to be the kind of person that partners with God in making HIS dreams come true.

I don't want an ordinary life. I dream of adventure, and romance, and transformation, and peace. I want to be a HISTORY MAKER.

He CHOSE me.

And so I DREAM...

Unabashedly Me.

2010-09-21T19:59:00.000-07:00

You provide the fire. And I'll provide the sacrifice.

You provide the Spirit. And I will open up inside.

Fill me up God.

One year ago I left for a land far away, with a hockey bag of goods and a heart FULL of expectation and anticipation.

A year later I am back where I left off...but I am not the same.

Where once there was fear, insecurity, and anxiety there is now courage, confidence, and peace...well, almost.

2 weeks ago I started back teaching full time. Not much has changed around the safe and comfortable walls of MEI. I am in the same classroom, teaching courses I know (with an exception or two), and seeing the smiles of students I have known for years. But it feels different.

I am not comfortable here anymore. Life on the "treadmill" of timelines and achievement is no longer satisfying. I want more.

More rest, more peace, more love, more acceptance, more Jesus.

I want to RUN. Run back to the comfort of my life with Him, so focused and directed on His plans and ways and goodness. Run away from the urge to control and determine my own way. Run to where my heart feels safe to unapologetically LOVE JESUS. Run to Cambodia.

I think I left my heart there. At least a piece of it.

Another part of my heart is safely sleeping in Oklahoma.

I want to RUN. Run back to the love and assurance of a sister who has loved me more completely than anyone ever has. Run towards the love of a brother who appreciates me for who I am, with sensitivity and honesty. Run to the hugs and love of my babies who make their Annie feel like the most loved most important person on the planet. Run to OKC.

I am here, in Abbotsford, but I want to run. I won't...at least not yet.

In the gaps of life, when you have just completed the last thing you knew you were supposed to do, but before you know where to go next things can seem messy.

I know I am supposed to be here, now, for this time. I know because I haven't been told to be anywhere else, doing anything different. So why does it feel so hard?

Sometimes I wonder if I am simply a fatalist who can never be happy or content. Do I always look for something to be wrong? Am I predisposed to flee? What am I scared of?

Emotionally I have been evolving into a person who is beginning to realize that I don't need other people to validate me. I don't need approval or appreciation or acceptance. Of course I would always PREFER to have those things, but I am no longer a slave chained to the monster of public opinion. It is a work in process. So in shedding the need for people to "like" me, why don't I feel more FREE.

FREEDOM. That's what I REALLY want. FREEDOM from my past. FREEDOM from my baggage...I have been carrying it around for a LONG time...and it's weighing on me.

As I even sit here writing I begin to wonder if FREEDOM is just another marker that I think will FINALLY allow me to feel happiness and satisfaction. That if I actually was able to attain this level of release that I think I want would I really just find, once again that it hasn't done the trick?

I love the Lord. I LOVE talking about how AWESOME He is in my life. I love sharing real life with people. I love feeling FREE to be unabashedly me.

Why don't I feel like I can be FREELY me here? Or maybe not CAN, but SHOULD. Why does it feel "bad" or "wrong" or "uncomfortable" for me to be ME?!

That pressure and feeling to keep quiet and conform makes me want to RUN.

For now I will..."Run with endurance the race marked out for [me]." Hebrews 12:1

The Hen and Her Chicks

2010-07-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

From: "He Loves Me: Learning to Live in the Father's Affection" by Wayne Jacobsen

" Allegedly a group of firefighters were checking up on hot spots after a forest fire had been contained. As they marched across the blackened landscape between the wisps of smoke still rising from the smoldering vegetation, a large lump on the trail caught on firefighter's eye.

As he got closer he noticed it was the charred remains of a large bird. Since birds can so easily fly away from the approaching flames, the firefighter wondered what was wrong with this bird that it could not escape. Had it been sick or injured?

Arriving at the carcass, he decided to kick it off the trail with his boot. As he did. however, he was startled by a flurry of activity around his feet. Four little birds flailed in the dust and ash, then scurried down the hillside.

The bulk of the mother's body had covered them from the searing flames. Though the heat was enough to consume her, it had allowed her babies to find safety underneath. In the face of the rising flames, she stayed with her young. She was their only hope for safety, and, willing to risk her own life, she had gathered them with her own body. Even when the encroaching flames began to scorch her feathers, she could easily have flown away to start a family on another day. How did she makes herself stay in the raging flames?

Her dead carcass and her fleeing chicks told the story well enough--she gave the ultimate sacrifice to save her young...

Not all chicks run to their mothers in times of danger. Some, either paralyzed in panic or trying to find a way to save themselves, are devoured. She cannot run around gathering them individually. They have to come to her. That's all the chicks in the forest had done to safe. They didn't have to earn it; all they had to do was run under the mother's wings and let her cover them.

Those who did were rescued; those who didn't were devoured. It didn't matter if they thought they had a better idea. It didn't matter id they thought they could outrun it. All that mattered was their willingness to trust the call of their mother...

If you want, you can give up all the ways you try to save yourself and coming running to him. He will pull you up close, under his wing, and take for you what you could never endure...

It seems we are all on the relentless pursuit to hide our own inadequacies and seek our own security. In doing so we are like little chicks running around the burning coop, throwing leaves over our heads and hoping they will be enough shelter.

But they won't be. There is only one covering that will save us from ourselves, and it is Jesus himself...

Cover yourself in him. Learn to live under his wings today and every day for the rest of your life. How do you do that? By coming to rest in the security of his love for you, allowing it to hold you in the most brutal of circumstances...

Trusting our own wisdom is so easy we find ourselves doing it before we ever realize it. There is only one place where we can learn the trust in God that was shattered in Eden--at the foot of the cross of Jesus Christ. His willingness to trade his life for ours stands as unmistakable evidence of his love for us.

When you understand what really happened there, you will know how much you are loved. When you know how much you are loved, you'll find trusting him to be as easy as breathing."

Reading this story inspired in me both awe and revelation.

Awe with regards to the fact that Jesus as the "mother hen" would lay down as a covering for ME...Angela Booy...to protect me from the fires, the smoke, and the danger of this world. That is one of those to good to be true kind of things. How can that be?! It seems impossible, but it's not.

Revelation for me came in realizing that I would most likely be one the chicks that thought they had a better idea, could outrun the flames, or threw up leaves hoping to find cover.

Learning to trust God is steadily proving to be one of the most difficult feats in my life. I like to trust myself. My pride allows me to believe that I can manufacture my own security and safety in life. I fool myself into believing the voice of the serpent that says "If God's not going to give you what you think you need, maybe you should go get it yourself." Or "God helps those who help themselves."

The root of pride and sin in my life tells me that my self-preferring, self-trusting nature should be put above God.

Trusting God is NOT easy. But in His amazing grace and mercy and PATIENCE with me God keeps slowly revealing to me the areas of my life that I do not trust Him yet and opening my heart to let Him take over. One step at a time. I still like to trust myself alone. But as I see that my own efforts of leaf throwing are useless I am able to admit that trusting Him truly IS better than trusting me.

Love from OKC
A

To Be Filled

2010-07-02T22:13:00.001-07:00

I have been home for a while now. April 2nd I landed on Canadian soil returning from 7 months in Cambodia and India. The adventures that I experienced are beyond expression. What I am slowly realizing as I settle back in to my native culture is that my adventure in Cambodia was only beginning. I am ruined for the ordinary. I am meant to chase the perfect plan for my life, constantly and consistently.

I was inspired today reading:

"It really is an astounding truth that the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead lives in you. He lives in me. I do not know what the Spirit will do or where He'll lead me each time I invite Him to guide me. But I am tired of living in a way that looks exactly like people who do not have the Holy Spirit of God living in them. I want to consistently live with an awareness of His strength. I want to be different today from what I was yesterday as the fruit of the Spirit becomes more manifest in me.

I want to live so that I am truly submitted to the Spirit's leading on a daily basis...I don't want to keep crawling when I have the ability to fly."

- Francis Chan
"Forgotten God"

I am fighting to be filled and live full and overflowing in Spirit. It's more of a battle than I had imagined being back home. But I know that I don't want to crawl anymore...I want to FLY!

Blessings to you ALL!!

Affirmation and Acceptance

2010-03-19T10:06:00.000-07:00

Hello To My Lovely Friends! (Especially you Wigs!)

I JUST landed back in Phnom Penh, Cambodia this afternoon after 6 weeks of traveling through Northeast India on "Outreach". I am home sweet home with my adopted family the Weiss's here for the weekend, to process and reflect and refresh before my FINAL WEEK OF DTS!

I can't believe that I left my mom and dad and auntie at the Vancouver airport 26 weeks ago today! (182 days for you number lovers)

This time here in Cambodia and India has been cathartic to say the least! A time of purging and purifying, cleansing and restoring. I have learned SO much about myself. WOW. You think you know a person! ;) Living in community is a humbling and challenging experience. I have been on a team of 9 people day and night for the past 11 weeks. As I sit here writing this posting it is the first time I have spent a night in a room alone for almost 15 weeks!

I am learning that although my natural personality is extroverted, without downtime, quiet and refreshment I am not so outgoing. I find my energy in the solitude moments and reflect that energy outward. I am both introverted and extroverted.

I am learning that I have changed ALOT in the last 5 years with regards to how I handle my emotions and face challenges, and while I am FAR FAR from perfect I am moving towards improvement in many ways. Patience and humility are hard work, but ever so slowly I am growing in these areas.

I am learning that in the most testing moments of life God really reveals the people He placed in our loves to love us with HIS love, the people who soften our hearts and bring healing with their smiles, hugs, and words. This is every so precious to me.

I am learning that as much as I LOVE my family and my friends I CAN be independent. I have been "on my own" away from my world for 6 months...and I am STILL alive!!! All I need is Jesus...and I ALWAYS need more of Him, I can never get enough and He fills the spaces that no person or thing ever can. HE brings satisfaction that cannot be found when I seek after the world.

I am learning that I have an almost debilitating fear of man. My search for affirmation and acceptance is never-ending but futile. There will never be enough words or cards or emails or letters to fill the immense craving in my heart to be loved unconditionally and just the way I am. Only looking at HIM can I really TRULY come to realize and understand that I AM already LOVED, just the way I am. I don't have to be skinnier. I don't have to be blonder. I don't have to play the guitar. I don't have to wait for the love of a man. I have ALREADY been chosen.

I am learning that sometimes I forget that. Actually I forget that alot. More than I can afford to. When I forget that I am ALREADY chosen and LOVED unconditionally by God I look for that love and acceptance in my friends, in my family, and in the world...and it's never enough to satisfy.

I am learning to grasp just how loved I really am by my family and friends. I have THE BEST life. I have a family that would do ANYTHING for me. My parents love is more than ANY person could ever ask for. They support me and encourage me and love me endlessly. My brother is second to none. He would reach out and steal a star from the sky to make me smile. He loves me in his own sweet strong and silent way that reverberates in my being. He loves me with his actions more than his words which are few, but his love for me is boundless. My Auntie loves me as she would her own daughter. She loves me in extravagant ways. She loves me with time and treats and talks and trips to coffeeshops.

My girls are like NO OTHER. I have NO IDEA how on earth God chose me to be BLESSED with the kinds of strong, powerful, prayerful, loving, supportive friends that HE has...

Cass, Christel, Alison, Leena, Sam, Serenity, Stacy, Jen, Mary, Sheena, Randi, Lisa, Kelly, Randi, Whites, Whit, Nattie, Trautski, James, Sandra, Rachel, Kelly, VDub, Doom, Emily, Neeks, Nades, Heids...these are the girls in my life who are ALWAYS ready to love on me and lift me up and lighten my load by helping me carry my burdens.

I am learning that as deeply and greatly loved I am there is a burning within me that simply can never be satisfied by human love. Never. I want more.

I am learning what it means to "lay down my rights". My life is not my own. It was bought at a price. A VERY HIGH price and I DO NOT get to decide what it should look like. All I can do is respond in loving obedience. Follow where I am being led and TRUST.

I am learning that TRUSTING God is extremely difficult to do when you are trying to control everything in your life on your own. Each time I try to do things my own way I am really saying that God doesn't know as much as I do and HE really needs me to step in and take the reins! I am saying that I can't trust Him with my life and I need to take care of things on my own, my own way.

And I am learning that each time I try to do things my own way I fail. Without a doubt, my efforts fall short, or flat. They miss the mark.

I am learning the difference between my own desires and the ones given specifically to me for a purpose larger than my own satisfaction.

I am learning that at 29 years the idea of a man and a family really is something I care about, maybe in the most sincere form for the first time.

I am learning that I am not an optimist, but I wish I was because the optimists in my life so often save me from myself!

I am learning to be. I am learning that doing is not the equivalent of worth. Who I am is enough, not what I do. And in learning this lesson I am learning that my life as I once knew it can never be the same.

I am learning the the expectations of other people, and even of myself cannot be the driving force in my life if I am going to be living the life that is meant for me.

I am learning to be honest in a way that offers grace and patience rather than judgement and condemnation...this one is a slow process for sure.

I am learning that my life is ruined for the ordinary. I am wrecked. I have known this for a while but never been brave enough to live it out, and my dream is to live it more and more each day.

I am learning that it is perfectly fine not to like everyone, but we do have to show respect and love to all. We are all different people, with different personalities, and we won't all be best friends. That is okay...but we ARE one family in humanity.

I am learning that whatever God has planted in my heart about Cambodia is not something that can be finished in 6 months. He has more for me here. I am not sure what that will look like for my future but I know my heart is tied to this place in a way that is beyond what I am comprehend right now.

I am learning that the life I really want is a life unashamed and unabashedly sold out for Jesus. A life that draws people in rather than pushes them away, which is something I have experienced too many times since I came to know God. A life that is so different from the ordinary that people won't even see me at all, they will have to know it's HIM.

I have battled with trying to please everyone in my life for a long time. I want EVERYONE to be proud of me and love me and accept me and affirm my life and my plans. And living in that way not only exhausted me, but stole my happiness and pursuit of something more than myself.

I am learning that spending 7 years of my life and heart investing into a relationship where everyday I was put in second place has left a scar on my heart that I have been trying to heal with people and friends and family and good works.

I am learning that those wounds will take a long time to heal, and there is nothing I can DO and no one I can seek to heal me...only God can repair that brokenness.

I am special because God made me. There is NO other Ange Booy in all the world. I am the only one. I am the only person on the entire planet that looks like me, sounds like me, has my exact set of skills, giftings and talents, and personality, or has had the life experiences that I have had. Only me. And that makes me unique. That makes me special. And while the world want to remind me of all the things I am not...I cling tightly to the Truth about who I AM. I AM SPECIAL. I AM CHOSEN. I AM LOVED.

Sometimes I forget that Truth. Sometimes the voice of the world reminding me of what I am lacking and how I fall short is so much louder than my memory of the Truth. So I have to choose to hold tightly once again. And again. And again. And again...

As I process and wrap up what God has been teaching me and showing me and revealing about me in these past 6 months I pray that this catharsis would leave me closer and more prepared to be the person I am meant to be. I guess only time will tell...

Seasons of Change

2010-02-23T06:26:00.000-08:00

Hello Out There!

I know it has been quite a long while since my last posting! Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers, emails of encouragement and FB notes!

I am in INDIA! Wow! Even as I write that sitting here beneath my mosquito net covered single bed it is difficult to believe! I left my home in Abbotsford 5 months ago for an adventure in Cambodia and the road has taken a turn, and led me here! I never would have imagined this is where I would be, never in a million years could I have dreamed this up!

Last I was able to write to you all I was in Siem Reap, Cambodia serving at a University of the Nations English Training School. My teams taught free English classes to Cambodian students throughout the days as well as guitar lessons, knitting and crochet lessons, and sports. We arrived in SR at the beginning of January and spent 4 weeks building relationships, starting a church and helping the two incredible women that are there pioneering that school.

2 weeks into our time in SR I injured my back riding my bicycle early one Friday morning. It was intense concentrated pain in my lower back so I spent the weekend waiting to see if it would get better, but it didn’t. On Monday my leader Bethany took me into the city to an International Clinic to get checked out. I spent 3 weeks getting daily cortisone injections and taking vitamins and pain killers with minimal change. The doctors kept recommending that I rest…so for the last 2 ½ weeks in SR I was flat on my back in bed most of the days.

I am sure you can imagine the gamut of emotions I went through during that time: agony and pain, anger, frustration, discouragement, hopefulness, anticipation, faith, joy, encouragement, surrender, and so many more. I spent A LOT of time reading from the Bible and other books on faith and spirituality. I am blessed with an AWESOME team who is exceptionally gracious, understanding, and supportive. They have continued to pray for me and help me in ANY way I need throughout this bump in the road!

February 1^st we hopped on a bus for the 6 hour ride back to Phnom Penh. Like all great adventures our plans for exactly HOW to get 6 Cambodians and 3 white girls to Bangkok for our flight to India changed many MANY times! One week before we were to fly to India one of our Cambodian girls STILL had not received her passport (which we had been waiting for since November in order to take all our passports to the Indian and Thai embassies in Phnom Penh to get travel and visitor visas for our trip!) By Thursday afternoon (5 days before we needed to head to Thailand) we had all the passports and they were left with the Indian embassy ready in 4 days! This still meant that we had not yet gotten any Thai visas and we were to be traveling through Thailand in order to fly to India. Our final decision was to book tickets for us all to FLY from PP to Bangkok because there is a 24 hour window for Cambodians traveling THROUGH Thailand for transit. They would not be allowed to leave the airport, but they would be able to fly there no visas necessary.

By Tuesday Feb 2^nd we were almost ready to go and I was still not feeling physically better. In the morning I went to an International hospital in PP where the Drs did a CT scan and XRays to really determine what was going on. They found out that I had NOT injured any discs in my back or spinal joints in any way. SUCH GREAT NEWS! The Dr diagnosed me as having a muscle injury in my back and gave me 10 days of medication to help clear it up. By 2pm we were on our way to the airport!

We arrived in the PP airport right on time. We lined up and got ourselves ready to fly (4 of my team had NEVER been on a plane before!) We got to the front of the line and Bethany took all our passports and tickets to the counter…she was there for a LONG time, she looked unhappy, she turned around with all our bags and started walking away from the counter!

It turns out that Air Asia has a special policy that states that Cambodians flying through Bangkok cannot board their planes without transit visas…

Our ONLY option at this point was to head for Bangkok airways which also had a flight leaving that night! We had to buy all of the Cambodians return tickets with Bangkok airways and Bethany, Emily and I still took the original Air Asia flight.

So, the 3 of us girls left our rattled Cambodians sitting in the Phnom Penh airport with all their bags and set off for our flight. We set a meeting place to hook back up with the rest of the team that night or the next morning before our flight to India.

We arrived in Bangkok and had to go find our bags (Air Asia does not transfer luggage), we then took them to Jet Airways to try and check them in early for our Wednesday flight but they would not allow that. So, we girls decided to trek into Bangkok for the night and get a good sleep in a motel! We found a place Bethany was familiar with and went to 7/11 and settled in for the night!

Early Wednesday morning we were up and headed back to the airport. We got checked in and through customs then set off to find the team. Thankfully they were waiting for us at our gate and we all got ready to board our 4 hour flight to Calcutta/Kolkata, India!

Once we landed in Calcutta we headed through the infrared scanners to see if we were secretly sick and bringing our diseases, then through Indian customs, and then grabbed our luggage. Next to the taxis to head through town to the train station.

We arrived at the train station around 12noon and found a place to sit in the middle of the foyer as our leaders went to buy tickets and food for us. 9 hours while we waited for our train. I was in pain still at that point and emotionally not doing great. We were approached pretty much non-stop for 9 hours by people either begging or trying to figure out why there were white people sitting in the station. It was HARD. Probably one of the most telling factors of just how tough life is for the poor in India was that our Cambodian teammates were in shock. They could not fathom or understand the depth of poverty and destitution we were witnessing, and they are from CAMBODIA. It was emotionally challenging for sure.

God is awesome though and He provided groups of us with different “friends” there at the station who spoke English and just made us feel more comfortable and “protected” us from being mobbed and overwhelmed. Emily and I met two college students who taught us some common phrases in Hindi, and promised to meet us back at the station on March 17^th!

By 830pm we were rushing with our bags down the longest train platform of all time! We found our places on the train and settled in for the 10hr overnight trip to Siliguri. All I can say is that Indian trains are NOT like any of the trains I have been on in Europe. There are no doors, everything is open and anyone can just roam on by and in to your area any old time they want! LOL! It’s pretty hilarious. We met some VERY interesting characters!

We enjoyed some fresh Indian chai in the morning after a COLD night on the train. Last stop New Jalpaiguri and we met up with our newest friend Pyndap! He had traveled from the YWAM DTS base in Siliguri to receive us and take us back with him to the base for the first 10 day leg of our tour of India. We got to the base in time for 1pm lunch and met all the DTS staff and students there. In Cambodia our DTS had 6 staff and 25 students, this Siliguri DTS had 5 students and 9 staff so we got to know them all really well and settled in as a little family in no time.

Our 10 days at the base in the village of Bhuttabari were spent visiting Christians who live in the area, running the Sunday church service, cleaning the neighborhood, visiting TB and Leprosy patients at an ashram, and putting on kids club programs for the village munchkins. A typical day started with 745am breakfast, followed by 830-930am team devotions, then 10-12 cleaning the streets (tea break at 11am) lunch at 1pm, 230pm ministry time began (3 days we went on house visits, 2 days we went to the ashram, 2 days we did kids programs) during that time before dinner, dinner at 7pm and then M/W/F team meetings or free time. Indian time is MUCH busier than Cambodian time and it took us all a bit of time to get used to missing our afternoon naps!

To be honest my time in Bhuttabari was some of the most difficult time I have had since leaving home. It was a very lonely time for me and there were many moments of crying out to God where I simply did not feel comforted or at peace.

By February 13^th we made our first move and headed into the city of Siliguri to work with a church here for 10 days. Our time here has been spent working with the Christian City Church. We spent most days walking around meeting people, attempting to talk to people and tell them about the church and when possible put on a little program in an open field somewhere, sing songs with the kids and play games. For the last 2 Sundays we have helped out with running the church’s 9am English service and 11am Nepali service. One of the MOST hilarious things about the area of India that we are in is that the Cambodians look JUST like the Indian people in this region. No one knows they are not from India! The only reason anyone notices us is because Emily, Bethany, and I are whiter than white! J Today is the 23^rd already and we are getting ready to head out to Darjeeling tomorrow already, wow! 3 weeks in Darjeeling and then back to Cambodia for the end of DTS!

As some of you may or may not know last Saturday I celebrated my 29^th birthday! WOW! It’s INSANE to believe that I am in INDIA. I remember my birthday from last year like it was just yesterday and while time is flying by the process of being made new and “refined in the fire” feels painfully slow for me.

I am still learning so much about humility and learning to deal with my pride. There have been many small victories along the way. I find that in this microscope of community living the pressure to be happy and “on” and patient is sometimes more of a challenge than I can conquer, but I can feel the difference Jesus is making in my heart in many of those areas.

Being in physical pain for almost a month really took a toll on me. While I was still in Cambodia I was doing really well emotionally and spiritually, just surrendered to God and using the time I had in bed to be with Him and absorb myself in His Word, it was a huge privilege and blessing, in spite of the pain!

The day before I left for India things changed, I began to have doubts and fears about going to India, the peace that I felt about being in Cambodia did not transfer locations along with my luggage! Yet I am here. It has taken me a while to get my emotions and spirit back in balance. I am beginning to feel more like myself again, just in time for the final leg of my tour here.

I am SO thankful to you all for your persistent and powerful prayers and happy thought during this long period of silence from my side. I appreciate and can FEEL tangibly the love and support I have back at home! THANK YOU!

That’s about all I have for now! If you have stayed with me this far you deserve a GOLD STAR! But hopefully you will just take a BIG HUG when I get home instead! J

Sending you ALL my love and prayers and SMILES!

Following Footsteps

2010-01-08T23:18:00.000-08:00

This week we made our way from Phnom Penh, Cambodia’s Capital city where we have been for the past 3 months studying, to Siem Reap the second largest city in Cambodia and home of the world famous Angkor Wat temples for the beginning of the outreach portion of our DTS.

We boarded a bus at 8am in PP and headed on the 6 hour trip in style! We were blessed to travel on a Greyhound kind of bus with air conditioning and Khmer Kareoke. Khammarak Sari Mon is my new FAVE singer! He sings a song called “Khmer Wife” and it’s not wanting a “foreigner” wife because they are too tall, and their skin is too white. But what he really wants is a Khmer wife because she can cook and clean and handle money and take care of her husband. I just yell out KHMER WIFE and my Cambodian teammates start singing the song for me!! LOL!

We arrived in Siem Reap at about 2pm and found 3 tuk tuks that would take all 14 of us (and ALL our 3 months worth of luggage) to our new home…Puok, Siem Reap. Puok is a little village about 30 minutes from the city of Siem Reap where we will be joining up with a YWAM ministry that is teaching free English classes every day to between 150-250 kids collectively (we each teach one or two 1hr class(es) with 30-50 students in each. That’s A LOT of loving to do! We are VERY excited!

Our House/School in Puok

Srey Eun little munchkin!
Srey Keo, precious girl!
One of my students diligently writing the words to "Father Abraham"
This is my class. I have them every day from 11-12. Sweet gems they are!

We arrived on Saturday, had a “Kids Club” on Sunday where we played games with the kids and sang songs and just got to spend time with them, and then Monday our “real life” in Puok began.

Emily and I decided we were going to start jogging in the mornings. So Monday we got up at 5am and spent an hour in the kitchen drinking coffee have having some quiet time with the Big Man. At 6am it was still dark out so we waited and then at 615am we took off down the dirt road. We decided to go for 30 minutes to start…so wherever 15 minutes took us we would turn around and head home.

15 minutes got us to “our tree”. But there are no words to describe the scenery that we passed on the way. (So I added some pictures that I took this morning walking to the tree to show you!) I feel SOOO blessed that THIS is where we are beginning outreach! We are in the countryside, we are safe, we can run, and play, and witness Creation awaking each day in all its magnificent glory! WOW!

As we were running one day my attention turned to the dirt. Cambodia is one of the dustiest placed you can imagine. Usually dirt here is given a negative connotation. On this day though I was struck by all the footprints in the dirt that lay ahead of me as I ran. There were cow footprints, and duck footprints, water buffalo feet, and chicken scratches, dog paws, and toddler toes, there were tire treads from motos and bicycles and cars, and feet from kids on their way too school (some with shoes and some without). That’s A LOT of action for a dust filled country road. My mind then was taken to thinking about and considering the lives and stories behind all these footprints. Where were they going? Where were they coming from?! How were they feeling that day? What does an ordinary day look like for them? It is probably the History major in me, but my heart began to ask the questions behind their stories.

Footprints in the dust...

I believe there are many universals to the human condition. And one of the MOST important, I believe is the desire to be SEEN, to be recognized and noticed, to know that someone, something, somewhere KNOWS you and CARES about you. To know you are valued just for being alive.

I believe in the dust and the dirt of the Cambodian sunrise God gave me my vision and task for my time here in Puok. I want to know their stories, I want to hear about their lives, I want them to know that even though they are the poorest of the poor from a village most people of earth have never heard of and will never visit, they are VALUED and LOVED and CARED FOR.

We come from the dust and one day we will return, but in the space between I hope and pray that all of us are given the opportunity to share our stories, to be seen and valued, to be noticed and appreciated for just who we are and where we are at.

Thank you for being someone who shares in my story and my history and my life. Thank you for seeing me and hearing me and loving me so well!

Bless you and HUGS!

Ange

Cambodian Sunrise

Water buffalo

The path we run each morning. "Our tree" is way on the right!

Sunrise: How we see it every morning.

Words can't explain this scene.

My view from a hammock at Baray Lake on Independence Day!

BEAUTIFUL CHRISTIAN WOMAN

2010-01-01T03:09:00.000-08:00

When I say that 'I am a Christian', I am not shouting that 'I am clean living.
I'm whispering 'I was lost, but now I'm found and forgiven.'.

When I say 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect.
My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,.
I'm just a simple sinner who received God's good grace, somehow!

Indulgences and Resolutions

2009-12-27T06:34:00.000-08:00

in·dul·gence n

1. the gratification of or yielding to a wish

2. something that somebody lets himself or herself or somebody else have, especially a luxury

3. a kind or tolerant attitude toward somebody

4. in Roman Catholicism, a grant by the pope of partial remission of time to be spent in purgatory or of some other consequence of a sin.

5. time given to a debtor to repay a bill

“Legitimate pleasures”= noble, but not spirit enhancing things that we do to prove we are not religious. These things are not sinful in and of themselves, but neither do they enhance our life in the spirit. It is common to be overindulgent in natural permissible pleasures such as honor, recreation, food, comfort, and money. At the highest level of life the human spirit cannot be satisfied through natural stimuli, I believe this with every part of me.

A bad day cannot be satisfied by any amount of mini eggs (no matter how hard I might try!), a fight with a loved one is not made right by watching a hockey game(although we might find momentary amnesia), we seek things that offer us temporary distraction or menial satisfaction in the desperate hopes that the immediate feelings of consolation will remain lasting…but they never do.

We keep trying to prop up our souls with food, entertainment, recreation, money, music, activity, etc. Many of us are terrified at the thought of forsaking these stimulants and exposing the rawness of our hearts. Our spirits are dulled to the point that we are barely aware of the fleshly movements of our hearts. We have stuffed our souls.

My life 5 years ago looked very different than it does today. Indulgences, illegitimate, and “legitimate pleasures” were all consuming in my life. In order to avoid certain painful feelings, or in order to attempt to feel happiness and satisfaction I leaned heavily on stimulants. To put it really plainly I drank, a lot. In order that my habit of drinking would not feel lonely I would more often than not supplement drinking with relationships with boys. Needless to say this lethal duo of destruction caused it’s fair share of damage in my heart, mind, and soul over the 10 years or so that I overindulged.

When I met Jesus my life did a 180 degree turn. I was walking in one direction and turned about to head the other way. In the past 4 ½ years there have been slip ups and mistakes along the new path to be sure, but more or less my dependence on the affirmation and attention of boys, and on liquid courage have been quenched, PTL! However, in the past 4 ½ years my dependence on “illegitimate pleasures” such as drinking and men has been wholly replaced and redirected towards a shockingly unhealthy dependence on food. All the “bad” things I used to do to make myself temporarily feel better in life have been replaced with the “legitimate pleasure” of indulging in food.

Food is my god. Food is a large and obtrusive idol in my life. I trust food instead of trusting God. I lean on food instead of leaning on God. It is humiliating to even write these words. But I know the breakthrough behind the fact that The Truth WILL Set You FREE! As I shine light on the darkness of my life and my soul I can’t help but hold fast to the Truth that what is brought into the light will remain in the light!

As NEW YEAR’S EVE approaches we can’t help but be bombarded by the “Resolutions” and even the anti-resolutions! I am tired of RESOLUTIONS. You can’t fix externally what is broken internally. There are no resolutions that can end a bad habit, only a temporary supply of will-power and or stubbornness. I am sick of resolutions.

I am looking for TRANSFORMATION. I want to be TRANSFORMED. From the inside out.

In 6 days I am leaving for the “outreach phase” of my time here with YWAM. Phase 2, Outreach, TRANSFORMATION. I am believing for some MAJOR breakthroughs in the areas of food and pride in my life. I need help. I can’t do this on my own. I need the tender touch of the Spirit. I need prayer. I need to pray.

I am putting this out there into the great beyond of cyber space because I believe in the value of bringing light into the dark places of our lives, and because I know that I need love, encouragement, support and prayer. No amount of will power could ever do for me what the power of unity through friends and family can. Unity of heart, minds, and soul. TRANSFORMATION is the goal!

God bless you ALL this New Year. 2010. WOW!

I love you ALL.

Christmas Cambodian Style?!

2009-12-11T23:50:00.000-08:00

The illusive hunt for a Christmas tree for the DTS house began one dusty Monday afternoon. I had been hounding the staff here since November 1st about getting our Christmas decorations out of storage (whatever that meant!) and finally on November 30th we headed out! As we traveled out of the city to where the storage unit was we passed this Christmas archway being transported down the road! It had ALL the decorations on it and they were just cruising down the highway...NO tie downs, NO worries! Welcome to Cambodia!

We got to the storage unit via MAMMOTH pot holes! They seriously looked like dirt bike jumps!

On the way home from picking up the DTS tree we stopped at the airport for DAIRY QUEEN! WOOHOO! While there was a slight temptation to jump on a plane back to the rain and Christmas overkill we found our way back to the base to START DECORATING!!!

When we started to unpack the tree it look great! Or maybe we were blinded by the EXCITEMENT! Our tree is the definition of "Charlie Brown" if you know what I mean! It needs to lean against the wall, it has no lights, only a few strings of tinsle and maybe 5 decorations...but it is a symbol of CHRISTMAS LOVE here in our home!!!

When I am REALLY missing home I head over to "City Mall" where they have BEAUTIFULLY decorated Christmas Trees! ;) Crazy white girl obsessively gets her pic with all the trees! Ha!

So Christmas is QUICKLY approaching...no one has told Cambodia! :)

Christmas is NOT a holiday that is celebrated in this officially Buddhist nation. For that reason even the Christians here at DTS do NOT think Christmas is a big deal. I do my best to hype up the big event, I even got the "secret santa" craze started...but they are still not great at the actual carrying out of the idea! We all picked a name out of the stocking Jaida and Jeremy sent me...the Cambodians think my stocking is a BIG SOCK! Hahahah! It definitely gets lost in translation!

This past weekend I have the HUGE privilege of joining the Weiss family for the Logos Elementary and High School Christmas Concerts. They were a precious taste of home! Lesley is a miracle worker. I continue to be BLOWN AWAY by her talent and fearless character. If she sees a need, she fills it. She came to Logos and not only organized a HUGE Chrstmas pagent for the Elementary kids, but also started a middle school band for the first time this year. Some of these kids had NEVER played an instrument before and on Saturday night they were playing worhsip songs and Christmas melodies into the Cambodian skies! It was SUCH a BLESSING to see! WOW!

The Weiss family continues to be a constant source of blessing and support for me. They keep me sane here in the insanity of Cambodia! Through the Weiss's I have learned what true Christian hospitality really is. They have opened their home and their lives for me to be a part of. I honestly cannot imagine what life here would have been like had I not had their family as a respite and escape from the high energy and emotions that fill our weeks here in the DTS house. The Weiss's home is a place for me to rest, catch up on school work, and adventure through Cambodia as the 6th member of their family! They take me to church, to the market, out to try new foods, let me do ALL my laundry all weekend, they feed me western food and they help refresh and restore me to face another week of intense school! They are my saving grace here in Phnom Penh. The more I spend time with them and the more I get to know about them and witness what their daily lives really look like here in PP I am simply in awe. They are INCREDIBLE. I wish I had better words to express all that I have learned from Dean and Les just from being in their presence, they are an AWESOME example for me of a family sold out to live their lives selflessly in service to the Lord. I am SO blessed by them. Words don't do it justice.

Last week I was given the great JOY of meeting Ricki! She is from Hong Kong and is in Cambodia for a month on a short term missions trip with her church. Last Wednesday night Ricki and I were each selected by our respective groups to share our individual testimonies with the combined teams. I went first and shared about my life before I knew Jesus, and how life has looked different since then, and how on earth I ended up here in Cambodia! Then it was Ricki's turn. When she shared her testimony I was blown away! We had SO many things in common! As she was sharing about her life I found myself nodding in agreement and understanding! After sharing time we had some snacks in another room waiting. Ricki approached me before heading up for snacks just to thank me for sharing so honestly in my testimony. She said she had been nervous and then when she heard how much we had in common she had courage to speak boldly about where she was at! That was a blessing to hear. Ricki and I ended up spending over 2 hours just sitting and chatting about our lives. Our families are very similar as well as many other relationships we have. It was an INCREDIBLE evening of connection and understanding. Ricki was definitely an angel for me that week which was spiritually dark and heavy. It's just SO encouraging to have someone walk in like a breath of fresh air just when you need some encouragement and love. I hope I can be that for someone else like Ricki was for me!

So that is the "update". I will write again soon to let you all know WHAT I have been learning lately. It has been INTENSE and EXHAUSTING, but SO good. We are ALL being refined and reformed and transformed. It's a painstaking process, but I know in the end it will ALL be worth it!

Prayer and Happy Thoughts for:

Outreach: Each member of my India Outreach Team needs to raise $900 in support in order to get to India. For us International Students that means an added $400 to come up with and for our Khmer classmates $900 is seeming like an insurmountable and impossible task.

Please pray for donations to come flooding in (from the West and from here in Cambodia) The problem is that many of the churches here in Cambodia want their Cambodian missionaries to STAY here in Cambodia and will not support them financially in going out. Super sad!

So if you know anyone who might want to donate to their outreach please let me know!

Also we are just hoping for STRONG team unity and clear direction and vision for our trip as the final plans with regards to India are still being planned.

THANK YOU!

BLESSINGS! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

LOVE LOVE LOVE!

My Little Family: A Tribute

2009-12-07T06:01:00.000-08:00

Hey All!

It's SO hard to believe that we JUST completed WEEK 8 of our Lecture Phase and only have this week and ONE more week before we enter into preparations for our 3 months of OUTREACH!

It has been UP and DOWN in SO many ways! I'll tell you this much...DTS has a way of pushing buttons and digging places that NONE of us ever intended to remind ourselves of, or even knew were in there! It has been challenging, and emotional, and testing, and SOOOOOOO rewarding!

I have learned SOOOO much about myself and why/how I relate to the world and my family, and friends, and the people in my life. I have been seriously checked on my selfishness and pride (which I have talked about here MANY times already!) but I can also see that as those negative aspects of my character have been noticed and acknowledged and brought into the light they have begun to disapate, ever so slowly, but I can FEEL the change in myself and my reactions and proactions with my family here in DTS.

In my time here I have been through various ailments, measles, my first migraine, and stomach troubles adjusting to the water and food (new bacteria etc.) But I can say this much, the SUPPORT and ENCOURAGEMENT and LOVE I have received from home in Canada and the States and here in Cambodia have CONSTANTLY touched my heart and restored my spirits and energy.

I am HAPPY to say that I am feeling GREAT tonight! Maybe because I spent ALL DAY talking about Christmas and now I am sitting here listening to the Christmas CD Jamie made me...my heart is FILLED with JOY.

The most difficult part of being away is uncomparably being separated from my family. No question.

Watching Jaida and Jeremy grow and learn SOO SOOO many new things over Skype breaks my heart sometimes. Going from being a part of their EVERY SINGLE DAY to making computer connections a few times a week has been a heart-wrenching transition for me. They have changed SO much. And there are more changes to come...

In case some of you have not heard already God has been leading the Phelps family on a new pathway for a while, for the sake of baby Jeremy's health.

Cassi Born-Phelps is my ANGEL. God BLESSED my life with her friendship and sisterhood 4 years ago. We have been inseparable...mucking through the mess of our lives, rejoicing the triumphs, and celebrating the lives of two precious babies Jaida and Jeremy. Cass's husband Joel has become my brother, my spiritual advisor, and my teammate in life (we are very similar and like MANY of the same things!)

The Phelps have become a HUGE HUGE part of the Booy family in the past 4 years. Cass and Joel have made a tradition of coming over to my parent's house on Sundays for family dinner and football or Amazing Race or lounging by the pool. The babies have become Hen and Bren's grandkids. Josh has become their uncle, Niesje has become Auntie Neesh, and of course I am the nanny/auntie/Annie.

There are not words to express how precious and SPECIAL this family is. Each and EVERY one of these 4 has been given gifts beyond compare:

Joel can talk to ANYONE ANYWHERE! His smile and eyes are SO welcoming that you can't help but want to talk to him! And Joel's laugh is one of the BEST sounds I have ever heard! It can thaw even the crustiest soul! He LOVES the Lord and his dedication and commitment to his faith is challenging and inspiring to me each and every day! Joel is LIVING PROOF that there are INCREDIBLE FAITHFUL COMMITED LOYAL LOVING men out there!

Cass is a stranger magnet! People see her and WANT to know her. She was made to be a Mom. I am continually blown away that she has TWO babies and still manages to make stockings for Christmas, jar pickles with her sisters, and head all over the countryside to visit friends and shine some light into people's lives. Cass is my funny friend. Cass is the glue that keeps all us girls together. She is THE most selfless and thoughtful person I have ever met, and if I can be even just a whisper of the woman of God she is I would die very happy! God had something VERY unique in mind when He placed Cass in my life. As we grow together in our lives and in our faith I am just time and time again BLESSED beyond words and infinitely thankful to have her in my life. Her hugs warm my soul. Her laugh brings JOY into my heart. Her heart overflows with love and it's contagious. My best friend. My angel. My girl.

Jaida Lynn...(I feel like I am writing a Hallmark card, if you know what I mean! ;)) is the LOVE OF MY LIFE. From the moment I met her my life was CHANGED. There are no babies in my family, AT ALL (yet Mom! ;)) so meeting Jaida Lynn on June 3, 2007 was a scary and life transforming experience. I had NO IDEA it was humanly possible to LOVE someone as much as I loved her the first time I saw her. From that day on I have watched her grow into the most beautiful and precious little girl on the planet. She sings Jingle Bells to me on Skype now! I have had the IMMENSE honour of being in her life for the past 2 1/2 years. Each and every day she brings smiles, hysterical laughter, and LOVE. Jaida's hugs are like NO other! When a person is that small they can't FAKE meaning. When she HUGS me and means it I feel like evrything in time stops. If I could stay in a moment with Jai's hug I would, absolutely. Having Jai in my life makes me want to be a better me. I want her to grown up feeling SO loved and having role models that she really looks up to and trusts and believes in.

Jeremy Alan...As if ONE GORGEOUS baby wasn't enough for the Phelps, they decided to double the trouble. Jer came into the world on January 20, 2009. I had the unparalleled privilege of being in the delivery room with Cass and Joel when Jer came out to join this world. There are no words. He was PERFECT! 2 months after Jer joined us he got VERY sick. In March 2009 Jer was hospitalized with RSV and pneumonia. It was the most difficult test this gorgeous little family could possibly face. Jeremy is named after Joel's older brother Jeremy who was tragically killed in car accident when he and Joel (and their 2 younger brothers) were just young boys. Jeremy Alan's life brought healing and restoration in so many ways. When he got sick it was terrifying. He was in the hospital for 2 weeks. My mom was actually with Cass for much of the scariness and fear in the beginning. After 2 weeks (the same length of time I was on a missions trip with MEI in Ukraine) Jeremy was good enough to go home! PTL! Jer's life since March has been a roller coaster of colds and breathing troubles and congestion. And he lives it ALL with a SMILE! He is UNREAL. Cass and Joel showed through this INCREDIBLY difficult time how STRONG and powerful their faith in God is. They leaned in and depended on prayer support, and the Lord to save Jeremy. I have to just shake my head when I think about the faith they demonstrated through that time.

With all of the troubles Jer has had in the past 9 months Cass and Joel have spent a great deal of time pondering what the best decision for Jeremy's lungs and breathing and healing, and for their family could be. Ultimately they have been directed towards OKLAHOMA! Joel's family is form OK and when jeremy has visited OKC 3 times since he first got sick his lungs are ALWAYS better and he is more relaxed and has a easier time breathing. So...they go.

Joel left at the end of November with his brother in law Dan and a U-Haul FULL of everything they own. Cass and the kids needed to stay behind for some family Christmas festivities and to tie up loose ends, but will be heading to OK THIS Friday December 11th.

I am SOOOO SOOOO proud of this family, MY family. They are SOOO close to my heart and I miss them with EVERYTHING in me! My life, our lives, will NOT be the same until we are all together again...someday, someway, somehow.

Cass I love you! I am SOOO SOOO SOOO blessed by you, thankful for you, and proud of you! I'll meet you in OKC, Chilis here we come! I am with you ALWAYS in Spirit and I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart. Being apart is GOING to suck! We both know that! But let's just keep TRUSTING and CLINGING to the Truth we KNOW. The plans God has for us is SO much bigger than anything we can imagine! I LOVE walking through ALL life's journey's with you my sister. I love you!

Prayer and Happy Thoughts for Cass this week as she heads to OKC on a plane, with the 2 kids (Jeremy currently has tonsilitis and is not feeling good at all). She needs TONS of love and prayers and words of encouragement!

If you get a chance check out their blog too: http://joelandcass.blogspot.com/

Feel free to send her messages of love and hugs and affirmation!

When 6 months turned into indefinite separation from my little family it all seemed to surreal. Now as the day approaches reality is settling in for all of us. Air Miles, cheap flights and summer vacations are our new reality. All I know is that there is someone who knows WAY more than we do who is in control of all of this. I will TRUST and SUBMIT even when it hurts.

Blessings to you ALL this Christmas season! More Christmas pics to come!

With ALL the Love You Can Imagine!

Ange

Reach Out!

2009-11-24T01:46:00.000-08:00

Hello All! (Well...all MIGHT just be my mom and Cass and Stace...but here's hoping! LOL!)

It's been a few weeks since I have had the time or the energy to sit down and write a GOOD posting!

Since my last lecture week (Nov 2-6) we went for a 5 day Short Term Outreach in a town about 30 minutes away from the city, had a week of lecture on "Servant Leadership" coupled with a YWAM Cambodia National Conference, and this week we are 2 days into our "Clear Conscience" lecture.

I am a linear thinker...and so I will go back, before I can go forward! LOL! (That may or may not be THE metaphor of my life and my purpose in being here altogether!)

Short Term Outreach:

Along with my new Team India mates we left at 8am on Monday November 9th to head out to Toul Sambo (a small village 30 Tok Tok minutes from our base). We left the city and entered a land of rice fields and smiles!

Our assignment was to team up with a former YWAMer (Nutch) who has started a ministry in Toul Sambo teaching English classes in the evenings for free.

Because there are MANY more hours to the day we also helped out wherever and whenever we could in the village. We did everything from harvesting rice, visiting homes, teaching English classes, to running children's and youth programs, and demonstrating our SWEET dance moves! Yes, that's right everyone! What goes around comes around! Myrna and I made our sweet lovely MEI Ukraine team learn a hip hop dance routine for our trip last March and now here I am at YWAM and I have had to learn my own hip hop dance routine! Imagine "Shackles" by Mary Mary and a whack of Khmer give it all they have and 3 of us white folks in the back dancing (and laughing) at what we are doing! The crowds LOVE it! LOL!

On outreach we slept on the tile floor, used a "squatty" toilet, had no running water, and had to cook all our food outside. It was AWESOME! Seriously! It doesn't take very long to discover how much you appreciate the amenities of home. It is GREAT to gain perspective and be humbled about the way we live. By Friday we were all ready to head back to the city, but full of love and joy for the ministry we had the chance to play a part in! They have already invited us back in December to put on a Christmas program! :)

One thing that surprised me on outreach was how much FUN and JOY I found in teaching English! I remember having a conversation with Cass about how I was excited for YWAM but I just really hoped that they didn't make me teach English all the time just because I am a teacher! Well, like MOST things that I say in selfishness God took that and made it into something AWESOME! I LOVED teaching English! It was my FAVORITE part of the week! On 3 occasions I was able to go into the public high school nearby and teach English classes for 2-3 hours. It was life-giving for me! God really opened my mind and my heart to WHY He planned for me to be a teacher. I LOVE TEACHING! In all those sweet Khmer faces I couldn't help but see the MEI kids and miss their crazy antics and stories! I am just SO thankful that in my heart I was affirmed that the work that I am so passionate about is EXACTLY what I was made for!

5 days in Toul Sambo was enough to exhaust us for the weekend...SHOWER, BED, SLEEP!

Starting LAST Monday, November 16 we started a week of lecture on "Servant Leadership". In light of my revelation about teaching from outreach servant leadership was the PERFECT follow up topic for me. I am SO excited to be a teacher...and I know I have been BLESSED with a job teaching at the best school in all the world (MEI)! I also know that I want to be a WAY better teacher, leader, mentor, servant. Looking at examples of Abraham, Moses, Boaz, and the BEST servant leader of all time JESUS we uncovered the characteristics of a True servant leader (and the list is LONG!)

Fears God, not man; righteous, faithful, LOVES God, not greedy for power, obedient to God, loves to help their "family", fights for their "people", takes risks, walks in faith, HUMBLE, courageous, deals with conflicts, listens to Godly advice, love to serve, delegate both power and authority, indentify with their people and intercede for them, stand strong for the Lord in the face of intense opposition because they KNOW what God has said to them, value women, live with integrity, do the "right" thing, kind, compassionate, culturally sensitive and more!

I want to be these things! The areas that continue to prod at me humility, and fearing GOD NOT MAN! I can feel the refining process at work in me! And I like the changes so far, with MANY still to come!

During this week we were also given the GREAT privilege of attending the 2nd annual YWAM Cambodia National Conference here in PP. The speaker was David Hamilton...who, unbeknonst to me is a HUGE YWAM celebrity! LOL! He was INCREDIBLE! He shared MANY MANY stories of pioneering YWAM DTSs in Chile and Brazil. This is a man who LIVES BY FAITH! I was VERY inspired!!!

A GREAT surprise arrived in PP with David Hamilton! As he introduced himself and his entourage he asked Rob and Cy Wiebe "YWAMers pioneering an School of Biblical Studies in Chiang Rai, Thailand" to stand...Rob and Cy are missionaries sent out by South Abbotsford Church! MY HOME CHURCH!!! I have seen them and heard them speak on this ministry in Canada! I made my way over to see them and introduced myself! What a SMALL WORLD!! What a GREAT BLESSING for me!!! :) They IMMEDIATELY offered me a place to stay "WHEN" I come to Chiang Rai to visit them! Their LOVE and hospitality was an inspiration to me!

This week we are in "Clear Conscience" week. Our speaker is a former drug dealer and addict from the Philippines! He has some CRAZY stories about life before he knew Jesus and the steps he has had to make to repair broken relationships and make things right for the mistakes he made before.

This week also saw the arrival of 2 teams from New Zealand that are staying with us at our base!

This morning I was eating breakfast and I saw a "Kesler" jersey walk by...I leaned over to Emily and said...I think that was a Vancouver Canucks shirt! I got up and walked over to the young guy wearing it and asked if he was from Vancouver, he said YES! I said...I am from Abbotsford...and he said NO WAY...I AM FROM ABBOTSFORD!!! LOL! His name is Tim Silva. I don't know much more but it is just another hilarious way that God shows us that we are ALL family! :) The world is SOOO much smaller than we realize!!!

Some of you already have heard that I have German Measles...which causes red itchy bumps, swollen joints (like arthritis) and achiness in my body! Your prayers ARE working! I am starting to slowly feel better. I go back to the Dr. tomorrow for another check up and I hope to be all clear SOON! Keep those healing thoughts coming!!! :)

Being sick makes me miss Bren! There is NO ONE that can comfort like MY MOM! I am pretty homesick these days, for her, for Cass and the kids, for my BED! :) Renewed focus and attention to what I am doing is important for me!

God is GOOD to me and I am SOOO blessed!

Thank you for ALL your emails, notes, letters, cards, FB messages and more! I am the luckiest girl in the world! THANK YOU!

Much LOVE and BLESSINGS!

Ange

PS: Next time I will tell you all about my Christmas obesssion and why all the Khmer think I am Christmas Crazy!!! LOL! :)

Voyage to India!!!

2009-11-06T17:29:00.000-08:00

Hey Everyone!

As some of you already know, I found out this week that for my long term outreach (6 weeks starting in February) I will be off to INDIA!!! I can't even believe it! :) I am VERY excited and the details are still all being worked out and although WHAT we are doing is not defined, we ARE going to India!

My team has 2 boys and 5 girls. Our leaders are Bethany and Ra who are FABULOUS and I am extatic that I get to spend my outreach with them! Emily (my Canadian home-girl) is also on my team while Kirsten is off to the Philipines and Anen (our Indian Hero) is off to Vietnam!

It has been a VERY exciting week here!

On Monday and Tuesday we had class in the morning (this weeks topic was RELATIONSHIPS!) and then we had the afternoons completely free because of the Water Festival, which is a HUGE holiday here in Phnom Penh. Thousands of people flood into PP from the Provinces to celebrate and to watch the Dragon Boat races down the Mekong River!! It is INTENSE (which is apparently my new favourite word, not replacing TOTALLY which is still my good old stand-by!) On Monday Kirsten, Emily, and Rina (one of our speakers from Battambang) all went on a Tuk Tuk ride along the river to see all the action. It was SO awesome! I felt blessed to be in the security of our tuk tuk and Ra (one of our leaders) was our protector the whole time! It was great to experience Cambodian national pride and celebration at its livliest! We were definitely a novelty anywhere we went as White girls! It's a SUPER easy way to get a smile...all we do is wave!!! :) And the response is hysterical laughter and bright smiles! :)

This week in class I learned SO much about where I am at spiritually and emotionally with regards to the relationships in my life. Relationships with my family, with my friends, with people in my past and with the men in my life, and with myself. We were created to be in relationship. We were created with the intention to be LOVED and cared for by the people in our lives. I have been SOOOO LOVED, by YOU GUYS, by my family, and by my friends, by my students, and teammates, and coaches, and mentors, and the list goes on and on. Unfortunately what happens in a world that is fallen is that we often learn wrong patterns for relationships some where along the way, whether it is with ourselves, with our families, with our friends, with our significant other, and with God. As blessed as I have been, and as loved as I have been it is in the area of relationships that I have been the most broken and scarred in my life. I have often unabashedly thrown my heart out into the open in search of someone or something or some relationship to fill the space in my heart that can only be filled by One thing.

My life in Christ has been a journey towards healing. I believe the BIGGEST reason I am here, in Cambodia, separated from the tangible and physical love of all of you closest to my heart is for this purpose, to be healed. The kind of love that it will take to heal the scars and wounds I have from the relationships and mistakes and misguided love in my past cannot be given to me from my family (as INCREDIBLE as they are), or my friends (who save my life daily in so many ways), or my students (as precious as they are), or even myself (I have tried SO hard, in earnest, to find that kind of love for myself for many years...only leading to greater pain).

The ONLY source for the healing and restoration of my heart is the Lord. And so I am here. :) God is definitely at work in me. He is showing me daily how much He loves me, and He is showing me the True definition of love. He is allowing me to be better at loving myself, simply because I am His, and He made me to be JUST who I am. (If any of you have access to a library you NEED to find the book You Are Special by Max Lucado it is INCREDIBLE!) I am learning how to love others better, with a love that does NOT rely on my own strength or feelings, but instead is a love for them from the Lord, to love people and see people the way He does, which goes against ALL my my selfishness and pride and conditioning, but is SO SO SO worthwhile!

I feel like I am being healed and prepared. Healed to be made whole, and restored. Prepared for whatever comes next in my life, in the way of relationships, that promises to be unlike anything I have experienced before. I am EXCITED to see what living and loving in my life will look like in the future.

Prayer and happy thoughts would be GREAT for:

Unity and the building of relationships on my Outreach team

We are off for a week in Tuol Sbow to teach English and love on wee gaffers, so just that we would love each and every little shining face in a way they know is different!

Energy, I am TIRED!

Greater and greater humilty...I am still in process and constantly being refined in this area!

I love you ALL! Bless you!!! HUGS and LOVE!!!

Ange

Adventuring!

2009-10-30T18:54:00.000-07:00

Here is what I know to be true…no matter how mundane or routine or ordinary our lives may seem within each and every one of us is the burning desire to lead a life of ADVENTURE, a life that story books are written about, a life that is larger than the simple, regular, normal people that we all are.

My life following and chasing God has been a grand adventure already! I am in CAMBODIA for goodness sake!!

I was in Holland when God stole my heart,

2 days later I was signed up for a missions trip to Poland and Czech Republic!

2 summers in Prague, a teaching job without “training”, 1 trip to Poipet, Cambodia; 1 to Makeyvka, Ukraine and now I am 5 weeks into a 6 month stint in Phnom Penh!!!

Now THAT’S what I call adventure!

Sidenote: Did anyone see PP on the Amazing Race a few weeks ago?! Russian Market, Wat Phnom, FCC and other random places!!! That’s my life here!!! It FEELS like the AMAZING RACE! Hahaha!

The purpose of my adventure is simple enough: I want to change the world!

The first place to begin this journey is with ME. Some of you have been following the progress (slow as it may seem to be) in this area.

I am here, in Cambodia, at YWAM to BE and BECOME the change I want to see in the world. Enough talking about philosophies, artificial solutions to global problems, and criticizing leaders from afar. It’s time to put something on the line, it’s time to put EVERYTHING on the line. If more of us started to LIVE differently, to LIVE the adventure we were created for the world would look VERY different!

If we started responding with ACTION to the promptings on our hearts what might happen?!

What if we replaced hate, prejudice, and intolerance with LOVE?

What if we replaced pride, ego, and selfishness with HUMILITY?

What if we replaced revenge and retaliation with MERCY and GRACE?

What if we replaced grudges with FORGIVENESS?

What if we replaced frustration with PATIENCE?

What if we replaced indulgence with GENEROSITY?

What if we replaced understanding with TRUTH?

What if we replaced aggression with GENTLENESS?

And what if we replaced doubt and suspicion with FAITHFULNESS and LOYALTY?

What might the world look like?! My mind can’t even grasp that thought, but it’s starting to…and so the adventure continues!

Please don’t get me wrong… there is no easy Google-your-way-to-an-answer kind of solution or magic method for throwing off and out all that is bad in our lives and hearts. There is no “Orange Clean” for our soul (practically speaking anyways!) It takes hard work, it takes honesty and effort…and in my life, without a doubt, it takes Jesus.

Those of you who have known me beyond 4 years know the change and transformation my life has undergone. Even more than how I spend my time on a Saturday (or a Wednesday/Thursday/Friday/Sunday) night what has changed MOST in my life is my heart. My heart is in pursuit of MY adventure. The adventure that has already been written about my life! The kind of story I am trying to live in is NOT a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book! It is more like a collection of short stories, and God shows me the way to make the connections from one chapter to another.

And just like any great adventure story the virtue and character of the people involved is imperative! God does NOT care about what I DO. He doesn’t need ME to DO anything. (I am still learning that it is NOT about me!!!) He could JUST as easily find someone else to do ANYTHING He asks of me. What God DOES care about is my character. Am I loving, humble, gracious, merciful, forgiving, patient, generous, truthful, gentle, faithful, and loyal?! Do I live my days with joy and peace? Sometimes I am and there are days when I do. I want to be FILLED to OVERFLOWING with all this goodness! These are the goals, the “quests”, within my adventure to living the story of my life. And what is MOST spectacular about this particular quest is that God has already promised me that I can fulfill this goal with His help. He says, “I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender and responsive heart.” Ezekiel 36:26 I almost have to laugh when I hear that…my stony, stubborn heart…it’s SO true! He will take the heart that I have that pumps the illusion that I can do things on my own strength, that I can change by myself, that I have it all figured out and don’t need help. He will give me a NEW heart that is tender and responsive. Ahhhhh. J Sigh… J I CAN’T WAIT!!! And so the quest within this adventure continues! Stay tuned!

Pruning Booberries!

2009-10-17T02:40:00.000-07:00

For those of you that don’t know already, I live at home with my family in Abbotsford on a small blueberry farm. Our family has had a running joke since we moved in that we should call it a Booberry farm. One interesting thing about blueberry plants is that every 2 years they need a thorough pruning. I never understood why you would want to prune away branches that seemed like they could still produce fruit?!

Anyways, every other year my parents would have our blueberry plants pruned. One summer, in my last year of university, my parents let me “pick up sticks” for extra cash. I remember thinking there was NO end to those sticks, the dead branches laying on the ground.

What I have been learning here in the past two weeks particularly is just how desperately THIS Booberry plant needs to be pruned! We need to get rid of the things in our lives and the things in our hearts that don’t help us to love Jesus more. This is more than getting rid of the “bad things”… We all have things going on in our hearts and our lives that are not necessarily bad things, but if our attention and time and energy are going to things that don’t draw us closer and more intimately connected to our True purpose and calling, why are we doing them?!

I have had my eyes opened this week. Actually, I have had my heart opened this week…and to be honest, what I found on the inside wasn’t too pretty.

Entering into Asian culture is humbling in a number of ways to begin with. They are SO community oriented. They live in community with all their family members and neighbours. Living along side of Khmer students has allowed me to see just how self-focused and independently minded we are in the West. Each member of the community is willing to do whatever they can to make the whole better. They share time, money, food, giftings and well, everything. We were actually “warned” when we foreigners first got here that if our shampoo or soap or things went missing or were being depleted, we should not be alarmed…that is the culture here…they SHARE. And you know what…it was difficult for me to grasp initially. In my head I thought, okay…I will just keep my shampoo in my bag and take it back and forth with me to the shower. Every part of my being was opposed to the idea of sharing my things freely…how terrible is that?! (I keep my shampoo right beside the tub for anyone to enjoy!) All of this to say I am blessed and thankful to be undergoing this process of self reflection and awareness in a place that is SO outside of our North American way of thinking, because in each step and at every turn EVERY aspect of who I am, what I value, and how I live my life is being challenged. I can’t think of a better way to figure out who I am, who I am meant to be an how I am meant to live!

This week I came to the realization that pride is alive and well in my heart. In fact pride is like the nasty blackberry bushes that entangle and choke out the goodness of the blueberry bush. In class this week we talked about the 6 characteristics of pride: criticism of others, competition, independence, impatience, seeking others’ approval, and perfectionism. Looking at this list even now I almost cringe. My heart and life are filled to overflowing with these things. I am SO prideful. Part of it for sure is an aspect of our culture. From the time we are little our culture tells us we need to compare ourselves to others, we should strive to be “the best”, and that we can do anything we want all on our own, we don’t need help from anyone, and we want what we want and we want it NOW. Our generation of internet and cell phones and Google has made acquiring information and all things instantaneous. We look for our worth in the eyes of those around us, or in the mirror…and that worth is created out of an artificial value we give based on how we compare to the world at large. How much easier and more consistent is it to seek the Truth of our value and worth in this world by asking the Creator of the Universe?! I can’t be perfect. I never will be, but I have been exhausted trying to be. Pride. In SS9 there is a section on the English Civil War where the army lead by Colonel Pride infiltrated the parliament and caused many in the opposition to flee…this event is known as “Pride’s Purge” and I can’t help but laugh at the way God uses the parts of us that He has designed to make us uniquely ourselves (like my love for history) to speak into molding and shaping who He wants us to become! I am entering into Pride’s Purge. The pruning of the wee-est Booberry.

Getting rid of the junk, the dead branches, the parts that bear less fruit, or maybe even bad fruit is a process. It can be time consuming. It can be painful. It can be difficult. But we are given the promise that if we remain living for the Truth we will bear fruit and we will sustain pruning in order to bear MORE fruit. I am looking forward to the new fruit.

This weekend I have been given the blessing of spending another night with the Weiss family! My home away from home away from home!!! :) On Wednesday Lesley and the 3 girls came to my YWAM base for our "official grand opening celebration" which was such a treat for me to be able to share a bit of my life here with them! Today we went to watch Steph and Julia play in a basketball tourney. It was AWESOME! The girls are little super-stars and they lost in the final to a team of GIANTs by only 4 points!!! It was a very exciting game and the girls played VERY well!

Thank you all for your prayer and support! I have surely been on an emotional roller-coaster. Immersion into a new culture has proved to be far more challenging than I could really have prepared for in advance. So I am taking it one day at a time. Learning A LOT about God and about myself. Missing you all like crazy, but looking forward to the harvest that will abound from this season of my life!

Bless you ALL!

Prayer for patience and humility in living amongst my Khmer classmates would be greatly appreciated!

Until next time!

Ange

Crazyness in Cambodia!

2009-10-09T23:10:00.000-07:00

We have spent a few days in these last 2 weeks doing "team building" kids of activities, going out on a boat cruise on the Ton Le Sap river/lake...and having movie nights (Evan Almighty and Narnia...Cambodians LOVE talking animals and slapstick humour!). Last night we had a "Fun Night" where we were broken in to 2 teams to see how well we knew each other's names. Each team sat on one side of a blanket that was being held up as a divider. One person from each team would sneak to the front and then they would drop the blanket and you would have you shout the name of the person on the other team in front of you! It was hilarious! So...my team won! LOL! Not that I am competitive at all! HA! So then came the discussion of punishment for the losing team! In Canada...regular punishments include push-ups, burpees, beep beep I'm a jeep, sit-ups...PHYSICAL punishments...not in Cambodia! The punishment that was decided was that the losing team had to put on a FASHION SHOW!!! They had to strut around the room pretending they were on a runway! I haven't laughed that hard in a LONG time! It was awesome!

Today I am taking 2 of the other Canadian girls who live at my house to Dean and Lesley's place for a big Canadian Thanksgiving feast! We are VERY excited! Turkey...Cambodian style! :)

Thank you ALL who have been praying faithfully! God is definitely breaking off the parts of me that need to fall away so that I can be refilled with His goodness and JOY and light! It is a slow process, but I know that healing and restoration are coming. :)

Thank you all for your emails and messages and prayers. I can't imagine being here or doing any of this without your love and support behind me!

Talk to you SOON!

Ange

Life in Cambodia!

2009-10-04T03:15:00.000-07:00

So life here is beginning to find its rhythm...sort of!! LOL! I am now all moved in to my new room, Kirsten and I are with 4 Khmer girls and the 6 of us are sharing a bathroom...which always proves to be interesting!!! The Khmer students (17 in total) arrived last Monday and we had a second week of orientation (what school is going to look like more or less was explained). We have our first guest speaker arriving tomorrow for a week on "Hearing God's Voice". I am VERY excited to learn more about how to actually HEAR from the Big Guy!!! :)

This weekend I was blessed with the chance to stay at the Weiss family residence! Dean and Maya picked me up on Friday at my house in the midst of an INTENSE rain storm and we had quite the adventure getting to their house throught the flooded roads! Cambodia is NEVER boring!! While I am thinking about it I need to mention that the floods and storms that have hit Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam and the Philipines are no where near us here. Hilariously enough I found out about the flooding from Henry Zukowski!!! He sent me an email asking for prayer for the floods in Cambodia...and I was thinking...uh..WHAT?!! :) Too funny! Anyways, the floods are up in the North and I am in the far south, so we haven't been impacted in any way. So those of you worrying (Mom) don't need to stress! I got to play my first game of Cambodian pick up basketball at Dean's school Logos on Saturday with Julia and Steph (Dean's girls)! It was a blast! 7-9am...outdoor covered court...I was on a team with almost all middle school aged kids, so they kept making sure I would check the BIG high school boys!!! So I was on defensive duty! It was a blast! Spending time with the Weiss's always refreshes and uplifts me to head back to YWAM ready for school! I am SO blessed to have a place to escape and find rest!

This week I was challenged spiritually to really surrender my heart and my life to what God has for me. "Secretly" I still make plans for my life and my future (not that I can keep any secrets from God, and He KNOWS all of that!) but I need to really give up myself in order to FIND myself and find His plans for my future!

I could use prayers this week for comfort (I am REALLY missing my family and Cass and the kids in particular) also for openness in heart and spirit to receive the teachings this week on hearing God's voice, for energy...I am TIRED! I am not sure if it is the heat or the busyness...but I need some energy!!! And please just keep praying for freedom from discouragement and fear. It's hard not to second guess and wonder what on earth I got myself into. So I just would pray that I could live each moment fully and with grace and thankfulness. :)

My apologies for how sporadic this update is! My mind is all over the map today!

LOVE and HUGS to all! :)

Humility and Brokenness

2009-09-25T18:29:00.000-07:00

HELLO!!!

My apologies for the delay in sending you all this update! As to be expected I was swallowed up in a whirlwind here in Phnom Penh this week with getting settled in and learning the language and seeing some sites.

I arrived into Phnom Penh on Sunday night at 10pm local time and was beyond blessed to have Dean (Mr. Weiss) pick me up and put me up for the night at his family’s home here in PP. I was able to touch base with my mom on Skype for the first time that night which was incredible!

On Monday morning Dean and his wife Lesley took me to my first day at YWAM. This week only the international students are here and the Khmer (Cambodian) students arrive this coming Monday night. I arrived as devotionals were just finishing, then I was introduced to the 4 other international students.

Anen is from India, she is 28 and has a degree in history (just like me!) she is from a place in India called Nagaland which is in the North. Anen has been in Cambodia for 2 months already, she has been visiting her aunt who works in an orphanage here, and her aunt suggested she consider doing this YWAM DTS while she is here and now she is! Emily is from Saskatchewan, she is 20 and works with children at a local daycare in her town. Emily has a cousin that did a YWAM DTS in Argentina who suggested that she think about doing one herself. She began looking through the list of hundreds of DTS options around the world and her heart kept being pulled back to Cambodia, and now she is here!

Kirsten is from New Zealand (a Kiwi like Mary!), she is 27 and has been here in Cambodia for 5 months. She is a GEM and total answer to prayer. She has been taking language lessons here already and knows her way around PP quite well, so she has been showing us all the ropes! Kirsten was here in Cambodia one time before and felt God calling her here long term. She came back 5 months ago and has been working with various NGOs particularly dealing with human trafficking and children at risk.

So the 4 of us girls have been rooming together this week and then on Monday night we will be separated and placed in rooms with our new Khmer classmates! Kirsten and I will be in one room and Anen and Emily will be in another.

I did say there were 4 other international students…Brad is the 4^th! What makes Brad uniquely GREAT is that he is here with his entire family!! Brad and his wife Liz are here with their 3 small children, Seth (3yrs), Hedessa (20mths), and Jiana (5 mths)! They are fabulous! It is awesome for me to have the pitter patter of little feet around, when I close my eyes sometimes I imagine they are Jaida and Jeremy! J The Barretts are from the USA. They had been living in Colorado most recently before they came here. Brad’s wife Liz has already done a YWAM DTS, so she hangs out with the kids and goes for walks around town while we are doing various activities.

Like I mentioned already this week has been jam packed with a variety of getting to know Cambodia activities. On Monday we had orientation where we were taught more specifically the history of Cambodia, cultural notes, religion in Cambodia and more of the basics of what to do and say and not to do and say in this new culture! J Monday night we had Khmer language class with Dina (Deena) who is our DTS leader (along with Bethany). We have language class for 1 hour and Dina has been teaching us the need to knows more or less. Tuesday morning we had another hour of language class, then we went on a city tour. We took the YWAM tuk tuk and headed first to Tuol Sleng which is now a genocide museum. Tuol Sleng was a high school in PP up until 1975. When the Khmer Rouge evacuated the city and sent all Cambodians into the rice fields to work they turned Tuol Sleng into a prison and torture facility. From 1975-1979 5,675 people were recorded as being imprisoned in Tuol Sleng. Only 7 made it out alive. (This figure does not include children, which they estimate to be close to 20,000 killed in this facility.) The Cambodians believe that keeping the memory of the atrocities committed here in Cambodia alive is the best way to build a new and strong state. They also believe that bringing the crimes committed by Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge into public view it will help to prevent new groups with intentions like Pol Pot from ever gaining power, in Cambodia or in the world.

After Tuol Sleng we headed out to the Killing Fields. The Killing Fields are an area just outside of PP where the Khmer Rouge created mass graves. There are killing fields throughout Cambodia, each of the 24 provinces had their own. In the 3 years, 8 months, and 20 days of the Khmer Rouge Revolution it is estimated that 2 million Cambodians lost their lives.

Today there are about 15 million people living here in Cambodia. The average life expectancy is 58yrs. One other interesting fact considering that the revolution of the Khmer Rouge and various wars with Vietnam and happened only 30 years ago and full peace was only truly established here about 11 years ago… there are only 20 psychiatrists in all of Cambodia. In a country where EVERY person was tragically affected in some way, fleeing to Thailand or Vietnam, forced into slave labor in the rice fields, or on the other side of things participating in the crimes and atrocities of the Khmer Rouge it is hard to imagine just how prevalent PTSD must be here and what affect it has to have on the people still.

After the Killing Fields we headed into the city again to check out Wat Phnom which is a tourist area in near the riverside (wat means temple and Phnom means mountain). There I got to see the “city elephant” it hangs out at Wat Phnom during the day giving rides around the park.

On Wednesday we started the day off with Khmer language class again for an hour. After that we had the chance to meet with our Khmer staff for DTS. Mek, Tam, Mary, and Ra. Each of them took some time to share about their lives, how they became Christians and what it has been like for them being a Christian in Cambodia. Without fail they have all experienced persecution and hardship in following after God, but their faith is inspirational and contagious!

What I have learned this past week that has been the most impacting is the grace and humility that the Cambodian people live with. They have a VERY communal attitude, they take care of one another before themselves, and they are extremely gracious. It has been a tremendous break from the individualism that we have in Canada.

In trying to connect with that part of me I have been praying that God would break me. That He would soften my heart to be more like the people here. And His response was an interesting one! I have spent the past 2 days in bed terribly sick. Probably just a bacteria that my system wasn't used to, but nonetheless it was awful! I had no choice but to pray and ask for help. I spent hours just lying in my bed crying out to God. 36 hrs later I have finally made it out of my bed! I am sweetly broken.

Psalm 34: ⁴ I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.He freed me from all my fears.⁵ Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;no shadow of shame will darken their faces. ⁶ In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;he saved me from all my troubles.⁷ For the angel of the Lord is a guard;he surrounds and defends all who fear him."

Being here is surreal! It is complete and total answer to many prayers, but that fact in and of itself does not remove the fear of the unknown that is part of being human. It's scary for me to be here, and know that I am supposed to be here, but to not really know why. It's scary to walk around in a strange city where you don't know the language. It's scary when you get a bug or flu and can so easily feel convinced that you are dying of H1N1!!! :)

Through all of this scariness though, I can and do find peace in knowing the God's plan for my life are a million times better and grander than anything I could plan. I am clinging to that truth!

Please pray for:

Health, softness of heart, friendships with my new YWAM schoolmates, purpose in my time here, freedom from fear, and JOY!

That's all for today! I will send you more next week!

Ange

Almost There!!!

2009-09-20T02:03:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone!!!

I am writing this post from Seoul, Korea!!! I am in the airport just waiting to make the final leg over to Phnom Penh!!! Dean Weiss is going to be picking me up at the airport (one of my former colleagues at MEI who now lives in Phnom Penh too!!!)

God is GOOD! Prayers for peace, comfort, and safety have been answered in abundance!!!

My flight is being paged!!! Time to board!!! Stay tuned!!!

THANK YOU FOR COMING ALONG!!!

Hugs and LOVE!

Neediness...

2009-08-24T21:41:00.000-07:00

"The seasons of your life will change every time you decide to use your faith."

It's been a while since my last post! And I have to say that I have been OVERWHELMED with encouragement from those of you who have been reading along. Thank you for reading, thank you for taking the time to comment, and to write me little and sometimes long messages of hope, inspiration, and love. I have been BLESSED beyond measure yet again through you all.

The last month or so has been filled with a variety of adventures. I have spent great moments with friends and family in these past few weeks. All I can do is soak up every moment and every smile to take with me in my heart.

The season is changing... In 26 days I am leaving my family, my friends, my home, my job, everything I know to head to Cambodia for 7 months. I know this is where I have been called, at least for this season in my life. The excitement of this impending adventure has been exhilirating, but as reality is beginning to settle in I have been challenged and in many ways forced to see my own fear, my own weakness, and my own need.

As a high school teacher I have sent away countless references for my students to head off to the farest reaches of the world to meet the Lord in new ways through YWAM or Capernwray just like I am about to do. They seek adventure, escape, experience, and relationships.

Being on the other side of the fence isn't quite what I had envisioned. In my life I have had adventure, experienced life in many ways, built solid realtionships and escaped only to find my way back home. My leaving now has nothing to do with any of those things. My leaving is a response to the call on my life and my heart to put God firstin my life, in ALL things, and in ALL ways.

What I am learning, far too slowly, is that the life I have made for myself here, as grand and beautiful as is it, is a life I have created for myself. My desires, my wants, my demands, my priorities, my agenda, it's all about me. And it's just not working.

I have tried to fool myself into believing that I have had something to do with the success that I have found, or the love that I have received. I have attempted to maintain control over my life, but in reality I have only been denying God the chance to take my life and make it into something SO much bigger and brighter and more meaningful than I could EVER conceive of by my own imaginings. And so I go.

I go in the hope that the bondage I have held to a life where I try to earn favour and reward will be broken. I go in the hope that I will be broken, and then made into something new and more full of life and hope and love.

I go more aware today than ever before of just how needy I am. I need the support of my friends and family through this season.

Near the end of June I was talking to a colleague of mine at MEI about my trip to Cambodia. He asked me when or how I was going to go about raising support, both financially and through prayer. My reply, staying true to my controlling perspective, was that I didn't need any help, I had saved enough money all on my own to pay for my trip. His response was one that I have been chewing on for 2 months...He said, "That's not how the family of God operates. You have to allow people the chance, the opportunity to come along side you and join in on what you are doing. Not everyone can or gets the call to GO, but many people feel the call to pray for or donate funds to people who do." I smiled and nodded and carried on my merry way. Convinced that I would and could still do it on my own. Over the course of the past 2 months the question has come up many times and I have wrestled with how to respond again...so here it is.

In this season of my life God is really challenging me to humble myself, to admit I need help. I need Him, and I also need the love, encouragement, prayer, and support of my family and community. I know He is prompting me to put this out there into the "Great Unknown" and ask for help. Here is the reality of my situation...

The cost of my YWAM DTS is $2500USD (approximately $2700 CAD) My return airfare is $1300. Travel insurance and Travel immunizations are $500. My Canadian passport and Cambodian VISA are $275. I am responsible for paying for all of the following: communication back to Canada (which ranges from $0.35 to $1.50 USD per hour), clothes, laundry, hygiene, gifts and donations while I am in Cambodia, entertainment, and any pocket money which is estimated to be close to $500 USD. That makes the total cost of my trip approximately $5,275. Monetary commitments back here at home while I am gone total close to $5,000.

When I write it all down like that it seems SUPER scary!!!! WOW! That's A LOT of money in light of the fact that I have no income for 12 months. Every part of my "responsible", "in control" self cringes that I have even written this down...In my head I hear "these are MY choices, and MY responsibilities, MY worries to take care of ON MY OWN." But then I hear that still small voice asking me to trust, to let go of control, to humble myself and allow our community to enter in to the work the Lord is doing, with me, in me, and through me.

So I am believing for BIG THINGS!

Even MORE important for me than any amount of financial support is rallying together a group of "prayer warriors". I am looking for a group of people...God has placed a WHOPPING number of 100 people( which seems crazy and impossible to me!)...who would COMMIT to praying for me with steadfast prayer while I am away. This is a group of people who would be willing to share in my struggles and face obstacles right by my side through prayer and petition. I was BLESSED to witness the MIRACULOUS power of prayer this year as our community rallied together in prayer for my nephew Jeremy. Hundreds upon hundreds of believers and non-believers alike, people who had NEVER met Cassi or Joel or baby Jeremy sent out prayers and pleas to heaven and he was healed! Seeing the power of prayer so tangibly in that situation spoke to me of the importance of prayer and community. And so I am believing BIG!

Here comes the challenge...

I would ask that you would prayerfully consider joining this adventure with me! In whatever way you feel led: through prayer, through finances, through following this blog, or any other means of support I would LOVE to hear from you.

If you could see yourself making the commitment to pray for me diligently and consistently and would like to join my team of prayer warriors please let me know.

Unfortuately YWAM does not offer any tax receipts for student's fees. That obstacle in and of itself has kept me from opening this invitation to you all up until today. I realize that in our current ecomonic climate tax receipts are extremely desirable. But I have also been encouraged by many of you who have offered your financial assistance regardless of of you could obtain tax benefits or not. And so I will trust. I have to trust.

I trust that God has placed it on the hearts of some to give, and some to pray, and some to love, and some to encourage, and some just to follow along and know how I am doing and wish me well! :)

In preparation for what is shaping up to be the GREATEST stretching, growing, challenging, changing experience of my life God is calling me to have FAITH, right now, right here, in the comfort of home.

"And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive." Matthew 21:22

I BELIEVE!

My Heart

2009-08-01T11:52:00.000-07:00

So...here goes my first ever REAL blog post, it's both exciting and scary in some ways!!!!

Go grab some coffee...this could take a while!!! ;) What I have here are bits and pieces of my story from various emails I have written to friends over the past year that explain my journey to date and why on earth I am leaving my AMAZING life here in Abbotsford to go Phnom Pehn Cambodia for 6 months!

So here goes nothing, something, everything...! As some of you may or may not know my life as a Christian began on May 8th 2005. Since that day God has always very tangibly, charismatically, dramtically, and obviously spoken into my life regarding what decisions, choices, and paths I should make or take.

There are SO many examples starting from the day He stole my heart, to 2 days later being signed up for my first missions trip with Athletes in Action, to making my second missions trip a year later, to my job at MEI (of ALL places), to becoming a "leader" of a team taking kids to Cambodia, and later Ukraine. In each and every one of these situations I honestly and quite sincerely had either VERY little or NOTHING to do with the opportunities or opening of doors. It was ALL God. He did ALL the work, and all I had to do was accept what HE had laid out for me, and each time I did my life has been blessed beyond measure and grown more and more fulfilling as I mature in my faith, step closer to Him and, focus my heart and my life on Him rather than myself.

Since the day I accepted Christ I felt a calling on my life to share the life TRANSFORMING power of Jesus and the Holy Spirit as I had personally experienced it in my own life. From the very beginning I have known that my life is not my own, Jesus had paid the price for ALL I had and could ever do in my life, so I owed every part of every aspect of my life to Him.

For this reason I headed to Poland and the Czech Republic with Athletes in Action for a Women's Bball Tour in July 2005. The experience of sharing the Good News (which really IS too good to be true...and yet it IS!) PTL! was almost intoxicating. Seeing the hope in the eyes of people who had previously felt hopeless, just as I had been for so long, was exhilarating.

God challenged me in all sorts of ways early on...I faced more persecution in my first year and half of accepting Christ than I had ever faced in my life. A year after my first tour I felt a calling from far beyond my own desires to head back to the Czech again. I went for the sake of being obedient, but not fully understanding why God was asking me to go. I faced new challenges, and again was almost forced to move closer to God in order to survive.

3 weeks after returning from this tour I was given my job at MEI (Mennonite Educational Institute, a private Christian high school which ironically had been my rival school back in high school girls bball days!), 3 weeks after school had started, without a teaching degree, never taught a day in my life...and I became a full time teacher...ALL Him...NOTHING to do with me.

Within the next year I was signed up for a teaching program at SFU which was another example of His divine intervention in my life. I could continue working at MEI while simultaneaously completing my teaching degree and certification through evening and weekend classes. It was insanity, I felt like I was floating through much of the time, and I know that on my own strength I would NEVER have made it through.

These events and paths in my life throughout the first 2 years of my faith were preparing me...all leading up to October 2007

MEI sent out an email asking any teachers or staff who were interested in leading missions teams to attend a meeting. My 2 closest girlfriends at MEI, Serenity and Stacy, were going to the meeting and I knew I loved missions too, so I went.

There were close to 30 people there which was both exciting and relieving to me. No pressure! At the end of the meeting our Principal asked us to take the weekend and think about being a leader of a team that would take kids overseas during Spring Break then email him by Monday or Tuesday to confirm interest.

I left the meeting, thinking about all I had on my plate...teaching full time, going to school full time, coaching bball full time...so I never emailed.

When talking with my girlfriends about missions I explained that I hadn't emailed in a response and so I figured I was out of the running. There was a certain level of concern in my heart that I had missed the boat, but I returned to the reality of my life and carried on with the CRAZINESS!

You can imagine my surprise when during an afternoon class our principal interupts my teaching to pull me out into the hallway. I FULLY thought I was going to be in trouble for something! He IS the principal! LOL!

So he said, "We have you scheduled in to lead the missions team that is heading to Cambodia with Henry Zukowski."

I said, "Excuse me?!!!!"

And he said,"Okay?!"

And that was it.

I was in!

Nothing to do with me.

At the end of that day I was overwhelmed completely. God laid heavy on my heart a prompting. In a very physical and tangible way He spoke to my heart. I knew that day that God was calling me to missions. Exactly where and when I wasn't sure. Or maybe I was but was refusing to see what I didn't want to see. Cambodia was in the nearest future. I remember breaking down BAWLING uncontrollably with my best friend from school, Serenity, while telling her about God's promptings. Knowing that I wanted more than anything to be obedient to His will for my life, wanting to COMPLETELY surrender EVERY part of my life to Him, but knowing that I have SO little faith.

This is where the fear began, and where my questions begin...My fear and worry that my own heart's desires could be speaking more loudly than God's will and plan for my life. How do I KNOW for sure? So...I prayed...and I waited...and I prayed...and I waited.

March 14th I was off to Cambodia. Leaving Vancouver I wasn't the slightest bit affected (normal procedures for me leaving my fam, friends, and best friend Cassi include uncontrolled bawling, heart pains, aching, intense sadness at the thought of missing out on the love I receive SO fully everyday. As we left Vancouver I was SO at peace that I knew God had something planned.

My two weeks in Cambodia were FILLED with signs, miracles, answered prayers, and affirmations. One day my team had taken the chance to visit a war museum in a tourist town called Siem Reap. As a history teacher museums are my FAVORITE! As I wandered through this outdoor museum looking at pictures from the devastation of the 1970s civil war/Khmer Rouge/Pol Pot/Killing Fields my heart broke for Cambodia, for its beautiful people. That day God placed a calling on my life to return to Cambodia. To share the power of His love with those people. I just didn't know how to make sense of when...how...in what context?!

So I PRAYED! I prayed every night while I was there...I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed some more. I prayed for God to speak LOUDLY and CLEARLY into my life...He led me in His Word to Psalm 45 which talks about forgetting your friends and family far away...which spoke loudly to my heart...and to 2 Peter 3 which explains that we MUST be patient in pursuing His will because a day is like a thousand years to the Lord and a thousand years is like a day...that God doesn't do anything slowly, but instead he is patient for our own sake, that we should not be hurt or destroyed.

Incredible wisdom, speaking to my heart of Truth that I trust and know and BELIEVE...but still "inconclusive." Where, when, how?! So I prayed! I had my BF Cass praying too.

When I returned home to Canada Cass and I spent the past 3 days de-briefing and discussing. She reminded me that EVERYTHING happens in God's time...and I had another RIDICULOUS semester in school coming up, more bball coaching etc.

Of course God kept throwing Cambodia and missions on my heart.

My first day back at church when I got home was MISSIONS FOCUS day! I looked at Cass and just shook my head! Then I looked in the bulletin and saw that Ricky Sanchez from Thailand (which borders on Cambodia) was the guest pastor. He showed a slide show of all the things he had going on in his ministry, and in the faces of those Thai kids I could only see the Khmer smiles I had met while in Cambodia. Little hands praising the Lord at church on Easter Sunday. Smiles and cheers as they popped their heads out of the pond water where they had just been baptised. The different speakers kept prompting us to pray about how God wanted to use us in the missions field (which is so different for everyone, short term, long term, intercessory, etc.) and again I was hit with God's call. Then I went home...praying some more, and RANDOMLY when I logged out of my hotmail on the MSN site it said in bold headlines "Ricky Martin Leads Missions to Cambodia" GA! OKAY!?!!

By the time I made it to August last summer and I finally finished my degree at SFU and had a chance to breathe and consider life again, rather than simply flying through it, Cambodia was right there waiting!!! I spent many days talking with my girls about my heart for Cambodia, my fears, my questions, my heart...and they encouraged me to explore. To start seeing if I could find some kind of opportunity to go back to Cambodia where I obviously felt called to. Immediately I thought of YWAM. Because I was still a relatively "new" Christian I knew that I needed more fuel and knowledge to really be able to love and help the people of Cambodia. YWAM seemed like the perfect balance of learning and loving people!

In August I emailed YWAM in Battambang, Cambodia. I heard back from them with news that their next available school was to start in March 2009. With my commitment to MEI I knew that would not be possible.

My next attempt was to the YWAM base in Phom Pehn, the captial city of Cambodia. They responded and told me that they were only offering their school in Khmer, the language spoken in Cambodia...so that was out as well.

In January MEi got a visit from the Bartsch family. Ken Bartsch was a former MEI teacher who had packed up his bags and his family and followed God all the way to Australia to work as a missionary with YWAM. I felt like they would be great to talk to about finding direction through the chaos. Ken and his wife April agreed to meet and we chatted for hours about possibilities! I left with some much needed focus in direction. I knew I wanted to go to YWAM, if not Cambodia, then where... how about Thailand?!!!

YWAM Chiang Mai in Thailand offered a course where the 3 month outreach portion would go to either Northern Thailand, Myanmar, or CAMBODIA. I decided to apply and PRAY that I would be accepted and then find my way back to Cambodia!!!

By this point in time I had decided to apply for a leave of absence from MEI. I heard you could ask the Board for unpaid leave and still have a job to return to when you were done. I thought this would be the perfect solution. As I went to apply I discovered that only if you had worked at MEI for 7 years could you be considered. In faith I decided that I would apply anyways, and if they were not able to say yes, I would resign in order to go...

God is incredible! In the chaos created by the depression in our economy it actually worked out perfectly for MEI to let me go for a year and have one less salary to pay and they approved my leave!!! PTL!!!

What an awesome confirmation that I was moving in the right direction.

I quickly set about applying for YWAM Thailand.

In March I led another MEI Missions team, this time to Ukraine. It was another incredible experience of God's power. God confirmed once again that missions was the direction I needed to head.

During the 2 weeks in Ukraine my faith was tested in many ways, most specifically with regards to my family back home. The day before I had departed my 1 1/2 month old nephew Jeremy (my best friend Cassi and her husband Joel's son) was placed in the hospital and diagnosed with pneumonia. Over 2 weeks Jeremy was also diagnosed with RSV an often fatal respiratory virus, he lost consciousness and was emergency air-lifted to Victoria where over a week he was hooked up to every machine imaginable and fought for his life.

Being thousands of miles away as someone you love so dearly is facing the possibility of death it is desperately hard, and you are left with no choice but to surrender and realise that there is NOTHING humanly possible to be done, except pray.

In Ukraine I learned alot about the power of prayer. I witnessed from a far God miraculously healing Jer and the day after I returned home Jeremy was released from the hospital.

When I returned from Ukraine I got into my room and I found my YWAM Thailand application had been returned to sender.

In light of what Jeremy had just experienced I immediately thought that this was a sign from God saying that I needed to just stay right where I am, safe, close, near my family.

It took some gentle nudging from my girls reminding me that God really does not operate on the basis of human error. I needed to put more postage on my application and send it away again. March 31st it was back in the mail.

April was over before I knew what had even happened...soon it was May. I still had not heard any response form Thailand. I was getting nervous and anxious. On May 5th I sent an email to the YWAM Thailand base to see if they had any news. And I prayed.

On May 24th I got a surprise email form a girl I had never met. The YWAM leader from the Phnom Pehn base in Cambodia had gotten a hold of my name somehow (TYL) and sent me a message inviting me to apply for a brand new BI-LINGUAL session of YWAM in Phnom Pehn (PP) Cambodia for Ocotber 2009!!! By the end of the day I had sent in my email application!!! I spoke back and forth with YWAM PP as pieces of my application were received!

On May 30th I got an acceptance email...from YWAM Thailand!!!! WOW, confusion! So I prayed. My heart was really hoping for acceptance to YWAM PP. I delayed responding to YWAM Thailand until I knew.

On June 11th I was given the IMMENSE privilege of sharing parts of my story with the staff and students at MEI during one of our chapels. They were amazing! They prayed with me and committed to praying for me as I waited for a final decision.

On June 12th I was accepted into YWAM in Phnom Pehn Cambodia. CRAZY journey had taken me full circle right back to the place God had so clearly placed on my heart a year before.

And so I go.

My ticket is booked and I am leaving from Vancouver on Saturday September 19th 2009. My YWAM DTS is officially 6 months long starting on October 4th.

As the days pass and school approaches I can't help but feel more and more excited. I can't even begin to fathom what God possibly has in mind for my life that He wants me to go to Cambodia to find out!!!! It's EXCITIING! It's SCARY!!! It's and INCREDIBLE JOURNEY that I would LOVE to share with all of you!!!!

If you have made it this far you are a TROOPER! :) Thank YOU!!! Needless to say God has been working on me and in me in crazy amazing ways in the past 4 years. I can't wait to see what comes next!!! :)

May YOU all be BLESSED and LOVED.

Ange

Where I'll Be

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Here is the link to the school that I will be attending in Cambodia. :)

http://www.uofncambodia.org/phnompenh/index.html

Coming Soon!!!

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My Story...

My Adventure Plans...

For information about humanitarian work in Cambodia check out: http://www.ratanak.org/